Badger Book

Helga’s Hill Mayor
@hh_mayor 1 April 2001

Contact: Office of the Mayor
7 Helga’s Hill Road
Helga’s Hill, Wales

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

THE ANNUAL BADGER FESTIVAL IS ON THE HORIZON

This Year is Sure to Be the Best in Our History!

The Office of Mayor Samuel Smith is very pleased to announce that this year we have partnered with the Helga’s Hill Residents’ Association the make our yearly celebration of Helga Hufflepuff’s birth better than ever. The festival on May the First will continue its long-standing traditions of history, celebration, and community engagement, while adding even more elements of entertainment and opportunities to support local business.

Some of our new attractions will include (but won’t be limited to):

Food and drink kiosks in Town Square stocked by local Helga’s Hill eateries.
Live musical entertainment all day.
Sale prices in all your favorite local shops.
Maypole dancing on the Mayor’s lawn at noon.
Chances to win blue ribbons in everything from pie baking to the three-legged race. Get your entries in and/or sign up by April 30th!
An information booth staffed by the Helga’s Hill Residents’ Association.
An air show performed by some of our resident professional Quidditch players.
Free massages and spa treatments provided by The Calliope Heights Project.
A petting zoo. Yes, there will be a badger!
And much, much more…

With all of this as well as the usual merriment, we’re sure that our 997th Badger Festival will be a magnificent start to the warmer months in our beloved town. And the best part? It is only a month away!

We can’t wait to see you there!

* * *

If you’d like more information about this topic, or to schedule a meeting with Mayor Smith, please contact the Mayor’s Office.

Zach Smith
@its_all_aboutme 1 April 2001

Private

Going stir crazy staying at home. If it wasn’t bad enough all the international Portkeys were booked solid and I had to get home on a Muggle contraption (how it stayed airborne I’ll never know) now I’m a prisoner in my own town. This is ridiculous. This is my town. I should be able to walk the streets without bumping into anyone I know, if I want. Why is Ernie practically my next door neighbour? Who allowed that?

This. Is. Ridiculous.
I am being ridiculous.
OK.

Now that I’ve come to terms with that, I’m going out. I need to stretch my legs. I’m going to pick up a week’s worth of curries and then I’m coming straight back home.

Warded to Daphne Greengrass

What’s going on in dad’s office? Are you being worked to the bone?

George Weasley
@leaveteealone 1 April 2001

Owl Post

To: Katie Bell, Sylvie Fawcett, Alicia Spinnet, and Percy Weasley
From: George Weasley

Happy birthday to me! Because I am truly generous of spirit, I am reverse-gifting. These biscuits will help you enjoy a fabulous day like today.

— George

P.S. You should still send me prezzies though

[Enclosed: cookies that, when eaten, cause you to say the opposite of what you mean. Effects wear off after several hours, or sooner if you’re drinking a lot of liquids.]

Lavender Brown
@solavish 1 April 2001

Oooh, free massages and spa treatments?! This really is going to be the best Badger Festival ever! I know you don’t like him, Vati, but Xavier Orpington can’t be that bad if he wants to pay for me to have a massage and a facial! I wonder if they’ll be doing nails, too?

Also, how are they going to manage music all day? Are there even that many Wizarding bands to begin with? It isn’t like the Weird Sisters or the Broomstick Boys are going to come perform in Helga’s Hill, right?

Gwen Montgomery
@iamthelizzy 1 April 2001

Um. Not to rain on anyone’s Badger Festival parade or anything, but they do realize that badgers aren’t really very friendly, right?

Katie Bell
@heatproof 2 April 2001

Warded to Alicia Spinnet

Did you get a reverse birthday gift from George as well?

Zach Smith
@its_all_aboutme 2 April 2001

RP: Return

Who: Zacharias Smith, Tristan Montgomery, Daphne Greengrass
Where: Mayor’s Office
When: Around lunchtime

Zacharias did not notice any changes as he made the short stroll from his home to the mayor’s office, but nothing much ever changed in Helga’s Hill.

Except some big changes were afoot. He really needed more information about this new building project.

He walked into the building and poked his head into the first office. “Oh. Hi. Tristan. Seen Daphne?”

Tristan Montgomery
@iamthejane 2 April 2001

Warded to Gwen, Issy, Ben, Louisa, & Eloise

The oddest thing just happened. Zacharias Smith came into the office to have lunch with his cousin. Did any of you know he was back in the country? I hadn’t heard a thing.

Wayne Hopkins
@awkwardsoup 2 April 2001

Warded to Portia Diggle

Hey, it’s Wayne, I don’t know if you remember but we talked some on Saturday, at the pub?

So I don’t know if you remember any of the stuff I was talking about, with Arithmancy and all, I know it’s pretty boring to basically everyone else in the universe. But if you do remember, could you forget it? Basically I’m really not supposed to talk about any of that stuff outside of work, I could get in trouble, so I guess if anyone was like, asking you what I told you, if you could tell them you don’t remember, that would be really helpful and great.

Ok, well, thanks, and ~~sorry I~~ it was nice talking to you. I hope the rest of your night was good.

Warded to Eloise Midgen

~~I think I did something stupid.~~

I really don’t like April Fools Day. I got fooled three times yesterday. Maybe four, I don’t know whether Crispin put salt in the sugar bowl on purpose or not.

And then Jenkins at work told me his wife is sick and I didn’t say anything because I thought he was about to say April Fool’s and I was tired of falling for it. But he was serious.

Every year I tell myself to remember and not get tricked but then I always do.

Hannah Abbott
@toomanyshoes 2 April 2001

Well, I’m fairly certain that Eloise, Susan and I gave Helga’s Hill a bit of a show this afternoon when we all but wrestled in a mud pit outside the market. You know what they say about Huffle—

SUSAN, WHY IS THERE A SCARY, TENTACLE-Y, SLIMY PLANT GROWING OUT OF THE SHOPPING BAG ON MY COUNTER??

Xavier Orpington
@orpington 2 April 2001

Owl Post

To: Wayne Hopkins
From: Xavier Orpington

Mr Hopkins,

I hope you don’t mind, I took the liberty of making some inquiries as to your name and address. I am eager to continue the conversation we began on Saturday night. I think there’s a lot I could learn from you, and I’m confident that an exchange of information would be mutually rewarding.

Conversely, I foresee that a failure to seize this opportunity would serve us both ill in the long term.

I hope we are now agreed as to the importance of further developing our relationship. Perhaps we could meet tomorrow at 6 pm, at Higher Grounds, to discuss further? I would be very disappointed not to see you there.

Warmest regards,
X. Orpington

Andrei Capper
@andreicapper 2 April 2001

Listen up, ladies and gents!

Are you ready to kick some Hogsmeade arse!?

Our first match is against them on May 11, so we better start getting into shape again. If you played last year I definitely expect to see you again unless you’ve moved away or had your arms hexed off.

New players also welcome! No Quidditch experience needed!

I’m thinking we can meet Thursday nights at seven. At Terence’s lot. (Terence, please provide lighting like you said you would and make sure there’s no small woodland creatures underfoot, all right?)

We. Are. Going. To. Win. This. Year! Wooooo!

NB: Now that I think about it, please, please, please have some Quidditch experience. It’s kind of really necessary.

Sylvie Fawcett
@sylvie_fawcett 2 April 2001

I can believe I didn’t fall for it.

Yes, what I didn’t mean is: I can believe I didn’t fall for it.

Aww! I love George Weasley sometimes.

Terence Higgs
@teehaitchhiggs 3 April 2001

Gweeennnnn

I need to get some critters away from my field. Do you know anyone who will sell me a wolf?

Audrey Singh
@esfp 3 April 2001

Firstly, you’re going to spend the rest of your life on a deserted island and you can bring three food items with you (they will never run out, but they’re the only foods you’ll ever have), what are they?

Secondly, how many snacks are enough snacks to feed an intramural Quidditch team?

AJ Singh
@aka_aj 4 April 2001

Arghh I’m tied up at Mungo’s and don’t think I’ll make it to practice tonight. SORRY, HEROES. With any luck maybe I’ll be out of here in time to join for a pint after, and say hello to any new faces we may have?

Don’t trample any woodland creatures, have fun, save me some snacks. I’ll buy you all a round later! If I make it.

Lavender Brown
@solavish 5 April 2001

Warded to Gryffindors & Friends

Er, would you all mind keeping an eye out for Andrei Capper around town tonight? He was looking a bit unsteady when he left the Grotto…

Isolde Montgomery
@iamthelydia 6 April 2001

This is horrible! I completely understand why Sylvie was annoyed about it!

I mean…

Gawain Robards
@gawainrobards 6 April 2001

Went for a walk today. Took Tali’s dog with me. He had trouble keeping up and then it struck me — of course, his legs are too short. Not to worry, I’ve made him proportionate now.

Blaise Zabini
@basial 7 April 2001

RP: Coffee

Who: Blaise Zabini, Hannah Abbott
Where: 8 Hufflepuff Way, Helga’s Hill
When: Morning

It was time for some more coffee in Blaise’s caffeine stream. After all, it was far too early on Sunday morning for any firewhiskey. Blaise set the coffee pot brewing, meandering around the overly cheery kitchen as he tried to find something for breakfast (just how old were those leftovers from Falafelly Good, by the way?) and setting out his favourite mug.

He sighed, grumbling to himself. He’d come to Helga’s Hill to get away from various things and now his mother had gone and moved in across the road. Fan-bloody-tastic. Not that he didn’t love her, of course he did, but they both had their own lives these days. Why did she have to come and intrude on his? Well, Orpington was one reason. Blaise just hoped that she wasn’t going to do anything stupid like marry the man.

The smell of coffee exerted its calming influence over him and Blaise ran a hand over his hair, yawning. Maybe it would be nothing to worry about. She’d get bored soon enough.

Andrei Capper
@andreicapper 7 April 2001

Friday night?

Where the hell was I? I woke up Saturday morning on my floor with a splitting headache and an urge to spew when I looked at my pantry. All I remember was bumping into Romilda at the Grotto, drinking a lot, and then… going somewhere, presumably. But where?

The urge has not gone away. I can’t eat; I nearly passed out walking past Fat Friar Lane. If this is a curse from Romilda it’s a damn good one.

Sasha Capper
@dontsassme 7 April 2001

Owl Post

To: Hannah Abbott, Valerius Bole, Susan Bones, Andrei Capper, Sabina Capper, Stella Chambers, Stephen Cornfoot, Portia Diggle, Barney Dunstan, Astoria Greengrass, Silas Greengrass, Augustus Harper, Terence Higgs, Gwen Montgomery, Zacharias Smith, and Blaise Zabini
From: Sasha Capper

Invitation to Daphne's birthday party

Roni Smethley
@roni_smethley 8 April 2001

Owl Post

To: Xavier Orpington
From: Veronica Smethley

Dear Xavier Orpington,

Hi! How are you? I hope you are feeling happy today. I am sure you have been working really hard and could use a break so I thought you would enjoy these.

Love Your Friend,
Veronica Q Smethley

[Enclosed are some brownies]

To: Stephen Cornfoot
From: Veronica Smethley

Dear Stephen Cornfoot,

I know you work very hard helping Mr. Orpington so I thought you would like a treat too.

Love Your Friend,
Veronica Q Smethley

[Enclosed are also some brownies — she was baking!]

To: Lavender Brown
From: Veronica Smethley

Dear Lavender,

I hope you are feeling better really soon!

Love Your Friend,
Veronica Q Smethley

[Enclosed is some chicken noodle soup, charmed to stay warm and… you guessed it, brownies!]

Wayne Hopkins
@awkwardsoup 8 April 2001

Warded to Eloise Midgen

Can I ask your advice on something?

Lavender Brown
@solavish 8 April 2001

Private

I don’t know why I ever expect it to hurt less than the time before. It is every bone in my body breaking twice in one evening. But I do. Every single time I think it will be better.

It never is.

Warded to former DA Members

Ernie is working and we’re out of pain potions. Would one of you mind bringing one by ~~and keeping me company~~, maybe?

~~Warded to AJ Singh~~

I—

Wayne Hopkins
@awkwardsoup 8 April 2001

RP: Admission

Who: Wayne Hopkins, Eloise Midgen
Where: Wayne’s flat
When: Evening

Wayne cast an anxious look at his flatmate’s door as he put away the last of the dishes. He was pretty sure Crispin was either asleep or out, and he hoped so, because he’d already caused himself enough trouble, letting people overhear things they shouldn’t. Eloise, though, he could talk to. Even if she probably wouldn’t know what to do, either, sometimes it helped to at least talk through things. But every time he imagined her urging him in one direction or the other, he felt his stomach flip. All of his options were equally crap and he didn’t know how he’d go through with any of them.

He heard Eloise’s knock and nervously chewed a hangnail as he went to open the door. “Hey, thanks for coming over,” he said, not too loud. He gestured toward Crispin’s room to explain his low volume. “I think he might be asleep. Want some tea?”

Astoria Greengrass
@headcase 9 April 2001

Owl Post

To: Sasha Capper
From: Astoria Greengrass

Sasha,

You are SO SWEET to put this party together. What a wonderful idea. Unfortunately, I’ve been feeling rather under the weather, and I don’t think I’ll be recovered by Friday. Give my sister a kiss for me and I’ll hope to visit soon!

I’m sure you’ll just have the most wonderful time!

xxoo
Astoria

Hannah Abbott
@toomanyshoes 9 April 2001

Warded to Ernie Macmillan

So, what’s a girl got to do around here to get a dashing plus one for Friday evening?

Zach Smith
@its_all_aboutme 9 April 2001

Owl Post

To: Sasha Capper
From: Zacharias Smith

Dear Sasha,

I would be happy to accept your invitation to Daphne’s surprise party — as her cousin, how could I not — but there is something I’d like to know. Who else will be attending? I assume that is not confidential information. I have not seen a lot of our peers in a long while and I don’t want any messy re-introductions to overshadow Daphne’s birthday, so forewarned is forearmed.

Regards,
Zacharias Smith.

Terence Higgs
@teehaitchhiggs 10 April 2001

Warded to Montgomery women, Alexander, Sasha, Greengrass women & Blaise

You’ll never guess what I saw the other day. Go on. Guess. Guess. Guess!

Oh all right you’ve twisted my arm. I’ll tell you.

So on Monday I was sauntering down down Fat Friar Lane as you do, when I hear Orpington. No-one could mistake that voice, we’ve been hearing it often enough. I poke my head round the corner, because what’s he doing in an alleyway? He was not, in fact, with a hooker, as I originally suspected. He was with this other man, not sure of his name, but I’ve seen him around. Brown hair, 2-sickle haircut, that kind of look. Probably a Hufflepuff.

That’s not the interesting part. The interesting part is that Orpington was making all kinds of threats in hushed tones. It was all “I’d hate to have to” and “I won’t wait forever” and “I don’t want to expose you, but I will if” etc.

Orpington was really in-your-face about it as well, cutting off the other chap’s route. Other chap was sweating a river. I would have said something, but… haha, of course I wouldn’t have. Would have killed for some Extendable Ears though.

So, blackmail or illicit liaison gone sour?

AJ Singh
@aka_aj 10 April 2001

Warded to Lavender Brown

Hey champ, how’re you feeling?

AJ Singh
@aka_aj 11 April 2001

Warded to Parvati Patil

Hey bonus sister, how goes it? Mum asked me to invite you to join us for tea Sunday. (And I’m all for it of course.)

I’m sure she wants to hear all the latest developments in wedding planning, and then Dad can shoot meaningful looks at me and Audrey. A good time will be had by all! Can we count you in?

Taliesyn Robards
@bookphile 11 April 2001

RP: Lost in Pages

Who: Sally-Anne Perks, Taliesyn Robards
Where: Tattered Pages
When: Early evening

Taliesyn yawned. It was almost closing time. It was Wendy’s turn to do most of the closing up duties. All he had to do this afternoon was work out his schedule for tomorrow. Should he do inventory first or restock? They were getting a delivery tomorrow; an eclectic collection that Tali had sourced from a deceased estate. There could well be rubbish but he was hopeful of the odd rare, out-of-print gem. You just never know.

He scribbled ‘restock’ at the top. No. Restocking could take ages. He had long mulled over where exactly certain books should go. Some just defied categorisation. He didn’t want it to spill over into lunch. Personally he wouldn’t care but didn’t want his father on his case again about eating properly.

Maybe if he cleared space he could get a start right now, before Wendy dragged him out the door. He jumped to his feet and ran down an aisle, almost running over a blonde.

“Oh! Sorry! Nobody usually goes down this section,” Tali said. “Are you all right?”

Wayne Hopkins
@awkwardsoup 11 April 2001

Warded to Hannah, Ernie, Eloise, Susan, Sally-Anne

I think I just saw Zacharias getting takeaway. Or else someone who looks a lot like him. Does anybody know, is he back?

Susan Bones
@ambrosial 12 April 2001

EASTER SALE!

For the whole of the Easter weekend — Good Friday to Easter Monday — everything is 10% off at Heaven Scent! And as if that wasn’t good enough, everyone who buys something will be entered into a prize draw to win an Easter basket full of lovely goodies! The winning name will be picked out of a hat on Tuesday morning.

I’m already getting in the Badger Festival mood and whipping up lots of exciting new products for our town’s special day, including Badger Bath Bombs, Helga’s Holy Highlights! and May Queen Face Masque. Watch this space for more details!

Last but not least, I’m looking to hire another shop assistant, hopefully before the end of the month. It’d be for 15 hours (two days) a week, with the possibility of taking on more hours depending on how things go. Pick up an application form in the shop, or just drop round for a chat if you want more information.

Astoria Greengrass
@headcase 12 April 2001

Owl Post

To: Sasha Capper
From: Astoria Greengrass

Dear Sasha,

Would it be terribly rude of me to come tonight after all? I know it’s late notice but I’m actually feeling a bit better and I was thinking that a visit to see my sister and some of my dear friends might be just what the Healer ordered. In fact, don’t tell Daphne (I want it to be a birthday surprise!!) but I’m actually going to come stay for a while! So I’ll be seeing you around, starting tonight!

xxoo,
Astoria

To: Deirdre and Ephraim Greengrass
From: Astoria Greengrass

Mum, Dad—

I’ve decided I’m off to Helga’s Hill for Daphne’s birthday after all. In fact I’m actually going to stay with Daphne for a while if that’s alright with you. You’ve been saying a change would be good for me so — here it is! A change!

Tell Bonko I miss him and I’ll be back soon. (I’m not sure when I’ll be back actually but tell him it’s soon.)

xxoo,
Astoria

Sasha Capper
@dontsassme 12 April 2001

RP: Daphne’s birthday party

Who: Sasha Capper, Daphne Greengrass, anyone who was invited
Where: 3A Badger Den Road, Helga’s Hill
When: Evening

Daphne Greengrass
@headtilt 13 April 2001

I have the best best friend ever! Thank you everybody who came to my party, and thank you especially to Sasha for organizing it. I was so surprised!

And tomorrow is my real birthday and also Easter and my baby sister is here to spend it with me! I just love having houseguests, it’s so much fun. Only showing Astoria all around Helga’s Hill isn’t as fun as showing other people around, because she’s been here before. But now I’m a local! So it’s different.

Wendy Wickersham
@cutitoff 14 April 2001

Two Easter dinners is really too many. I think I’m dying. I can’t get up.

I do not feel sanguine about the possibility that my cat may eat me after I’m gone.

Stella Chambers
@quidditchstar 14 April 2001

Happy Easter, Everyone!

In honor of this most fabulous day, I have created a special treat for all of you: an adult Easter egg hunt!

Hidden all over the village (and warded for adult eyes only) are chocolate eggs with special prizes inside of them!

Goodies include, but aren’t limited to:

Firewhiskey
Beer
More chocolate
Tickets to Tornados matches
A very nice Kama Sutra
Massage oil
Treats from Heaven Scent
WWW products
And more!

Have fun and try not to do anything I wouldn’t do!

Witch Weekly
@witchweekly 15 April 2001

Xavier Orpington is our Sexiest Wizard of the Year!

Sasha Capper
@dontsassme 15 April 2001

Xavier Orpington is the Sexiest Wizard of the Year according to Witch Weekly. Really. Meanwhile the Prophet continues to write about him as though he hung the stars, while he continues to make no discernable contributions to the community at all. Now, I know I say this as a publicist and therefore someone who has a healthy level of contempt for the press corps, but the quality of journalism in this country is absolutely unbelievable.

That’s unbelievably bad, lest you be confused.

Eloise Midgen
@yellowcheese 15 April 2001

Warded to Wayne Hopkins & Megan Jones

It was him. Orpington. At St. Mungo’s, when my dad —

He was the potions injury. And it wasn’t serious and he could’ve waited but he didn’t and he’s bragging about it and he doesn’t even care what it might’ve cost, he doesn’t know and he doesn’t care and he’s bragging.

Andrei Capper
@andreicapper 15 April 2001

Warded to Felicity Eastchurch

Hey, are you working late? If not, want to attend a party?

Sylvie Fawcett
@sylvie_fawcett 15 April 2001

Want to hear something amazing? Apparently my sister has friends. And not only does she have friends, some of them even live here (you poor saps).

So she’s like to me, “Hey Syl can I come visit you a couple days and see my mates?”

And I was like “Hahahahahahaha.”

And she was all, “No, I’m serious.”

Well, never let it be said I don’t do anything for her, so here she is. She brought an air mattress so she could stay in my room which will really cramp my style but she is refusing to stay on the couch since I have a roommate.

Oh, speaking of — hey Eloise, Annette’s staying for a few days. Hope you don’t mind.

Right now we’re heading to Heaven Scent. She thought I smelled really nice yesterday at Easter dinner and wants some goodies for herself. So if you’re one of those ‘friends’ Annette claims she has you can either head there or just knock at my flat.

Elodie Chambers
@elodie 16 April 2001

Owl Post

To: Elodie Chambers
From: Barney Dunstan

Cher Barney,

Happy birthday from Calvin and me! We hope that you are having a wonderful day and that Stella spoils you (as I know that she will). How is life on the farm? Are all of your animals well? Does Stella’s cat chase the ducks?

Life in Paris is very nice. Cal is learning what I think must be his fourteenth language (he says only his tenth, but I do not believe him). The baby is growing and making me very fat (Cal also says that is not true, but again I do not believe him). I hope that you and Stella will come visit us again soon, and perhaps we will come to you when the baby is born if not before!

I hope you enjoy your present. It is so you will look trés chic in front of the press as Stella does.

Love,
Elodie (and Cal)

Taliesyn Robards
@bookphile 16 April 2001

Owl Post

To: Barney Dunstan
From: Taliesyn Robards

Dear Barney,

Happy Birthday!

Now that you’re 23, I think you’re ready for the big time. I think you’re ready for this. I know it’s not your forte, but you never know what new opportunities this may bring.

With best wishes,
Tali.

PS: Admittedly I don’t actually think you should do it; I just saw this book and thought of you.
PPS: Unless you actually want to, of course. Though I haven’t vetted the information inside. But I’m sure you can tell if it’s useful or not.
PPPS: Unicorns are quite cool, aren’t they?

Unicorns: The Myths, Legends, and Lore

Stephen Cornfoot
@beforeitwascool 16 April 2001

Mr Orpington is very grateful to those who voted for him as Sexiest Wizard of the Year. He extends his humble thanks, &c.

On a more personal note, the four pairs of ladies underwear that have already been sent to the office are more than enough.

Susan Bones
@ambrosial 16 April 2001

Owl Post

To: Sally-Anne Perks
From: Susan Bones

Dear Sally-Anne,

Congratulations! You won the Easter prize draw at Heaven Scent! Enjoy your goodies, and thank you for shopping here!

Love,
Susan Bones

[Two large eagle owls deliver a gift basket filled with a range of Heaven Scent products — soap, bath bombs, face mask, etc.]

Gift basket

Stella Chambers
@quidditchstar 16 April 2001

I hope everyone wished my very awesome boyfriend a very fabulous birthday today! Don’t stress about the perfect present though, it won’t live up to mine anyway. I already gave him exactly what he wanted.

A pond for the ducks, people! Get your minds out of the gutter!

Sally-Anne Perks
@highergrounds 16 April 2001

It’s funny how weeks can go up and down. Just last week I got lost in Tattered Pages, and now I’ve won the loveliest gift basket from Heaven Scent. There’s even some things in it that I’ve never tried before, so I can’t wait to use them!

Today is one of those days when the world is rather lovely. Tomorrow I’m making chocolate muffins.

Astoria Greengrass
@headcase 16 April 2001

Warded to Daphne Greengrass

I don’t feel good, can you pick me up some dinner on your way home?

I wanted to make you dinner but then I was just so tired.

Zach Smith
@its_all_aboutme 16 April 2001

RP: Ultimatum

Who: Zacharias Smith, Samuel Smith
Where: Smith residence
When: Evening

Sepphora had a date that night, which was terrible news as it meant she was not at the dinner table and she usually talked for three. Zacharias and his father would have to make conversation. Still, it would mean a little delay until cleaning up, which they now had to do themselves. On his return Zacharias had been dismayed to learn the loss of their house elf was a permanent measure and not some mayoral stunt. Something about having a house elf being ostentatious in a small village serving a household of only two. Well, there were three people now. Couldn’t Carson come back?

Taliesyn Robards
@bookphile 17 April 2001

Private

So the first draft of A History of Magic Mr Orpington promised me is not a first draft. I’m not sure it’s even any edition of the book. I just… well, I tried to talk to him about it, but he just sneered and said I couldn’t prove anything, and I suppose I can’t, because I don’t count as an ’expert‘ in the field even though I know it’s a fake. I just know it. Put me under Veritaserum, I’ll tell you.

I can’t even ask for legal advice because I’d have to ask Idris, and… yeah, no. That won’t go so well. At least I’m not so stupid that I can’t recognise a lost cause when I see one.

Warded to Sally-Anne Perks

Hi, Sally-Anne. I know I promised I’d show you that first draft, but… uh, there’s been a hiccup, and I can’t show it to you. But I hope that free piece of cake is still on offer.

Warded to Audrey Singh

I think I’ve made a really big mistake. I trusted Orpington and now everything’s a mess.

Wayne Hopkins
@awkwardsoup 17 April 2001

Warded to Gwen & Eloise

What can you give a dog to eat if you haven’t got any proper dog food on hand?

Roni Smethley
@roni_smethley 17 April 2001

Mystee is missing!!!!!! I just came home and I looked all over the bedsit and I left the window a crack open this morning so she could have some fresh air and she must have got out!!! I am really really really worried because she is kind of tiny and what if someone doesn’t see her and steps on her on accident???

If you find her can you let me know??? This is a picture of her.

Her full name is Mystee Quinn Smethley and if you use the whole thing she will know you are being serious when you call her. I am going to go look outside but I will bring my journal with me so if you do see her could you write to me???

Thank you I love you!!!!

Mystee

Ernie Macmillan
@topgeek 17 April 2001

Last Saturday I was kidnapped and tied up by three women who did things to me.

But it was really not as promising as I made it sound.

Though on the plus side, boy is my face to die for. Even Cecily said so, and she’s not impressed by anyone who hadn’t spent their morning applying five layers of glamour charm. She even made a pass at me but she severely overestimated how desirable it is to work the lifestyle section. Career advancement? Come on.

Isolde Montgomery
@iamthelydia 18 April 2001

Oh my, Benjamin Macnair, do Tristan and I ever have a birthday surprise for you!

Sylvie Fawcett
@sylvie_fawcett 18 April 2001

Orpington may be the sexiest wizard of the year but that doesn’t make him any less of an arse.

Took Annette to Higher Grounds this morning for coffee and muffins and he comes and joins us. So it’s like fine, whatever. Until he starts hitting on her. She’s still at Hogwarts, you perv! And to say he’s always wanted a threesome with a pair of sisters so how about it…

Well Annette’s upset and leaving early and it’s not even because of mopey Midgen sulking because I brought my sister home last minute.

See if I ever shag him again. Next time he suggests it there’s going to be something sharper involved than my nails down his back for sure.

Parvati Patil
@sovatish 19 April 2001

I was listening to the wireless during my lunch break and a song by one of the bands that’s playing at the festival came on. So exciting! Not long to go now!!!

Astoria Greengrass
@headcase 19 April 2001

Owl Post

To: Deirdre and Ephraim Greengrass
From: Astoria Greengrass

Dear Mummy and Daddy,

I’m sorry for not writing sooner!! I’m settling in well here and I like Helga’s Hill well enough so far. Daphne has been ever so sweet to me and of course the Cappers are just across the street and Uncle Samuel and Sepphora and Zacharias aren’t far, and my friend Ophelia Selwyn even just moved to town as well ~~with her~~ .

It’s nice here but there’s not much to do during the day ~~and when there’s nothing to do I feel~~ so I’ve decided to look for a job! Zacharias has a friend who he said would hire me at this lovely little shop that sells soaps and lotions and things. I’ll let you know what I decide to do.

I hope all is well at home. Give Bonko a kiss for me and tell him I miss his biscuits, that biscuits from the shop just don’t compare.

Love and kisses,
Astoria

Astoria Greengrass
@headcase 19 April 2001

Hello! My name is Astoria Greengrass and I am seeking employment.

Alicia Spinnet
@tornado_ali 20 April 2001

For those of you who are backing Orpington’s building project, you might want to rethink it. Because those security measures he’s promising? Are just plain discrimination. If you know any Muggles or Squibs, you might as well cut ties with them now, because they will never be able to set foot in that fucking building. Oh yay, I’m so glad that Orpington will protect us from those scary, dangerous Muggles and Squibs. Who cares if they gave birth to you or raised you? You can live among wizards now, and if all of our society follows Orpington’s shining example, you’ll never have to see or speak to a non-wizard again!

For Merlin’s sake, I can’t believe it’s 2001 and people still think something like this is okay. Didn’t we just fight an entire war over blood supremacy? Or do we only care when it’s directed at people who can do magic?

Wicks Wickersham
@letitgrow 21 April 2001

Warded to Wendy, Sally-Anne, Megan

Do you really think this Calliope Heights thing is good for the town? I get that it means more people, and more business, and etc., but it seems like more trouble than it’s worth. I don’t think Mr. Orpington is a very good guy.

I think ~~you sh—~~ we’d all do well to stay away from him.

Megan Jones
@schmones 21 April 2001

It’s such a pretty day out! And we did a really lovely shepherd’s pie at the Badger for lunch, the whole place smelled amazing. Mr. Orpington came and had some. ~~Though he didn’t~~

He has very ~~exp~~ nice robes, doesn’t he? And such a lot of brooms. I didn’t realize Firebolts came in so many different colours. Gwenog never mentioned… but maybe they don’t have different features. I think she would have mentioned if they did. But I don’t understand why they’d make them in different colours if that was the only difference…

Warded to Zacharias Smith

I heard you were back. ~~Are you going to~~ Have you come by the Badger yet?

Daphne Greengrass
@headtilt 21 April 2001

Warded to Zacharias Smith

Let’s trade sisters.

AJ Singh
@aka_aj 21 April 2001

RP: A minor ruckus…

Who: Audrey Singh, AJ Singh, and Xavier Orpington
Where: Jewel of India
When: Evening

AJ had the day off work at St Mungo’s, for once, but that just meant more time to revise and to pitch in at the restaurant. He usually tried to do both at once — standing behind the counter with a book in his hand, only glancing up when someone came in and needed to be seated — but tonight had been unusually busy for a Sunday. He’d been kept on his toes refilling water glasses and running hot plates out to the tables, but now the crowd had started to thin out and he could he finally give the study on the latest treatments for adult-onset dragonpox the attention it deserved.

He still glanced up at the end of every paragraph, scanning the room to make sure no one was trying to flag down their waiter. He’d been keeping a particularly close eye on Xavier Orpington, “The Sexiest Wizard Alive,” who had the waitstaff grumbling. Apparently he’d sent his entree back to the kitchen twice, with a different complaint each time, and AJ had a feeling he wouldn’t leave so much as a knut for a tip. But AJ also thought this “minor celebrity” might be part of the reason they’d drawn a crowd tonight, so he wasn’t about to rush him out the door.

“Poultice of murtlap…” AJ mumbled to himself, starting over at the top of the page. He never made much progress when he tried to study amid the restaurant’s noise and bustle.

Zach Smith
@its_all_aboutme 22 April 2001

Owl Post

To: Hannah Abbott, Susan Bones, Henrietta Davies & family, Barney Dunstan, Astoria and Daphne Greengrass, Wayne Hopkins, the Jones family, Ernie Macmillan, Eloise Midgen, Gwen Montgomery, Isolde Montgomery, Tristan Montgomery, Gavin Orpington, Xavier Orpington, the Perks family, the Singh family, Veronica Smethley, Elliot Wickersham & family
From: Zacharias Smith

Dear [invitee name charmed here],

The Badger Festival is held every year, and year after year you have supported it with pride. It is only proper that your efforts and dedication, not only in regard to the Festival but daily in how you make Helga’s Hill the town that it is — vibrant, lovely, welcoming — be recognised.

So, in honour of this year’s Festival, you are cordially invited to a celebration to be held at Smith Manor.

Of course, every town needs growth and change to prosper, so we do not forget the new faces among us. This will also be an opportunity for you to connect with members of the community and be formally welcomed into the fold.

The event will be held on Monday 6th May, starting at 7pm. There will be a formal sit-down dinner followed by dancing and light entertainment. Smith Manor is at 1 Loyalty Drive. The ballroom and gardens will be opened especially. Dress is black tie. Please RVSP Monday 29th to Zacharias Smith.

We hope to see all present.

Yours Sincerely,
Zacharias Smith

on behalf of the Mayor

Andrei Capper
@andreicapper 22 April 2001

Hey Barney,

You still got that market job going? I’ll do it.

Unless SOMEONE ELSE HAS A BETTER OFFER?

Nope, didn’t think so. Astoria Greengrass’s method of finding employment may only work once in a generation.

Stella Chambers
@quidditchstar 22 April 2001

Owl Post

To: Calvin Chambers
From: Stella Chambers

Cal,

I need help. Everything has gotten really squirrelly here all of a sudden and I don’t know how to deal with it and I can’t ask Dad because I know it’ll totally freak him out ~~and that will freak Mum ou~~.

You know that guy, Xavier Orpington? The one who has been harassing me to give my endorsement to his new building here in town? Well, I keep telling him no because I don’t like his project, I don’t like him messing with Barney, and I don’t like his policies on just about anything. But he hasn’t been giving up. So, I figured it was just like the press, right? Be nice, smile some, but don’t give them anymore than I want to? (Though I like the press a lot more than this skeeze.)

But he’s being relentless. So I finally told him today, in no uncertain terms, that I was not endorsing or moving into his building. And that’s when everything turned awful.

He knows, Cal. About Mum. I don’t know how he knows, but he knows. And he says if I don’t endorse him then he’s going to tell everyone about her and how she doesn’t take her potions and that’s she’s crazy and dangerous and needs to be locked up.

I don’t know what to do. What do you think I should do?

Stella xx

Astoria Greengrass
@headcase 22 April 2001

Warded to Susan Bones

Hello! Is the job in your shop still available? My cousin Zacharias said I ought to talk to you about it, he said you would be ever so nice to work for and that he thought I would be very well-suited to being a salesgirl there. I think your soaps and lotions and things are just lovely, and I’m very comfortable talking to strangers and making recommendations of which products they would enjoy.

So, are you still looking for someone? Because I would quite like to try it.

Andrei Capper
@andreicapper 22 April 2001

Comrades,

In light of Orpington’s prejudiced nonsense, I suggest we have an Invite A Muggle Day, show him how we feel, and how we won’t be pushed around. Now, before I get hauled into the Ministry, I mean Muggles you know and who know us, don’t just go into Cardiff and nick one off the street.

Who’s with me? ~~Fuck I don’t know any Muggles.~~

Wayne Hopkins
@awkwardsoup 22 April 2001

Warded to Eloise Midgen

Did you get an invitation to some fancy party at Zach’s place?

I was confused when I thought it was from him and then it said it was from his Dad and now I’m maybe even more confused.

Kind of weird to come back to town and not talk to me anybody and then invite me to something I’ve got to find dress robes for…

Wayne Hopkins
@awkwardsoup 22 April 2001

Warded to Zacharias Smith

So you’re having a party? Or, I guess, your dad is?

I’m figuring I didn’t make the cut by being one of Helga’s Hill’s most prominent citizens, but I guess, correct me if I’m wrong.

Lavender Brown
@solavish 22 April 2001

Private

He likes me! He likes me! He really likes me! He wouldn’t keep coming back night after night to chat me up and ask me to go out with him if he didn’t like me! I don’t care what anyone says about him, he’s charming and handsome and lovely.

The Sexiest Wizard Alive likes me!

Hannah Abbott
@toomanyshoes 22 April 2001

Warded to H98 sans Zacharias

Um. What ~~the fuck~~ is Zacharias up to with this party invitation, exactly? I’m assuming the rest of you got them as well since I’m not his favorite person judging by his inability to acknowledge my presence at Daphne’s birthday.

Wendy Wickersham
@cutitoff 22 April 2001

Warded to AJ Singh & Percy Weasley

Perce, did you hear that AJ got into a punch-up with your boss tonight because Orpington was behaving like an utter prick? Maybe you should use your position as consultant to advise that he be less of a shithead. Just a thought.

Good on you, AJ, by the way.

Xavier Orpington
@orpington 22 April 2001

Owl Post

To: Wayne Hopkins
From: Xavier Orpington

Mr Hopkins,

I eagerly await news of your progress. I had expected you would have some new information to share by now. Has there been a delay I should be made aware of — or perhaps a change of heart?

Regretfully, my project is on a tight timeline. I’ll await your response by the first of the month, or I’ll have no choice but to assume that you’re unable — or unwilling — to provide me what I need. This would be very disappointing indeed.

Yours sincerely,
X. Orpington

Felicity Eastchurch
@candyfliss 22 April 2001

Warded to Hogwarts Classes of 1999 & 2000

We didn’t really get to celebrate Ben’s birthday properly on Thursday since a certain set of twins all but kidnapped him. What do you say to a little get together at mine on Tuesday night ~~unless you’re not a friend of his~~? Around seven? I’ll bake a cake and some other goodies. Bring your own drinks. Sound good?

Ophelia Selwyn
@thefairophelia 23 April 2001

Well, I’m certainly going to be getting pizza there again. Even if he did call me a double serving of woman. I’m sure Mr. Angelo does that to everyone, but there is something nice about a bit of shameless flattery, even if I am happily taken.

Wendy Wickersham
@cutitoff 24 April 2001

Warded to Wenceslas Wickersham

Sweet fucking Merlin, did our mother actually just corner someone and berate them in the middle of the pub for getting a haircut?

I’m not related to her. I don’t know anything about it.

Percy Weasley
@istj 24 April 2001

Private

April 24th and still not even one paycheck. Not one paycheck for me, but more than one designer broom for him.

I’m beginning to think that Wendy and Andrew are right.

AJ Singh
@aka_aj 24 April 2001

Warded to Wicks & Ben

I know I’m a few days late with this, but thanks for your help Sunday. I’m sorry you got dragged into that mess.

So thanks again, and Ben, you tell your sister to keep an eye out, yeah? Wicks, I’m not worried about yours.

AJ Singh
@aka_aj 25 April 2001

Ladies and gentlemen, let it be known that as of this week, I have attended three — count ’em, three — Heroes practices in a row. I believe this just might be a new personal record, and I also have every intention of beating it.

First match is next month, come watch us destroy Hogsmeade! (The team, not the whole town. I rather like Hogsmeade. Madam Rosmerta is a peach.)

Wayne Hopkins
@awkwardsoup 25 April 2001

Owl Post

To: Xavier Orpington
From: Wayne Hopkins

Mr Orpington,

I’ve got that thing you wanted. I can meet you after work tomorrow, round 7, in that alley between Wyn’s Pizza and the Fat Frier? Or let me know if that’s not convenient for you, but I think it’d be best to deliver it in person.

Sincerely,
Wayne Hopkins

Gawain Robards
@gawainrobards 26 April 2001

Owl Post

To: Percy Weasley
From: Gawain Robards

Dear Mr Weasley,

I knew of your dramatic resignation from the Ministry years ago, but never would I have imagined you to be working under Orpington. Of course, people need consultants and while I know Calliope Heights has gained a lot of ~~notoriety~~ attention and importance, consulting only works if consultants’ advice is taken on and it seems to me Orpington takes advice from nobody.

Normally I would keep out of your business, but yesterday I witnessed an altercation between Orpington and Miss Brown, in which the former launched a vicious tirade against her person, reducing her to tears and fleeing. Everyone was in shock. I gather Orpington found out the young lady in question is a werewolf and pretty soon everyone here will know about it as well. Things will get ugly.

Orpington’s position in the village is rapidly becoming untenable. Disassociate yourself before it’s too late. This career was already beneath you and I’d hate to see you be dragged down with him.

Aim higher, ~~Mr Weasley~~ Percy. You were junior assistant to the Minister once, you can be so once again.

Warm regards,
Gawain Robards

Parvati Patil
@sovatish 27 April 2001

Just seeing the latest article in the paper about Orpington with his smug face smiling up at me is enough to leave a bad taste in my mouth. I know I’ve spoken up plenty of times on his plans for this town, but some of the disgusting, bigoted things I heard him say the other night have me seeing red.

Ophelia Selwyn
@thefairophelia 27 April 2001

Warded to Astoria Greengrass

Whatever you’re doing, I need you here right now to help teach my idiot ex-fiance a lesson.

Astoria Greengrass
@headcase 27 April 2001

Warded to Daphne Greengrass

If anyone makes extremely indecent offers to your little sister, do me a favour and don’t broadcast it to everyone on the journals? Poor girl, insulted by Orpington and then humiliated by her own sister.

I think Ophelia’s engagement is falling apart, or at least she thinks so — I’m off to help! I’ll be back later and report the details.

I hope I’ve been a good flatmate this week! I’m making dinner tonight! I might have to invite Ophelia, though…

Ernie Macmillan
@topgeek 27 April 2001

Private

So, fired.

And for what? A millionaire’s whim. They can try to fudge all they like but I know it was Orpington and Orpington’s money. I have been nothing but an exemplary employee. I uprooted myself to a new town at their request. I covered the stories they suggested. I defending the Prophet against against ludicrous attacks at every turn. And this is my reward — I. Have. Been. Fired!

No, I’m not making too much out of it. I know in these instances the usual way for management to get what they want but without making a ruckus is to prod for a resignation, but they couldn’t even allow me that. I will have this permanent stain on my CV and it is all Orpington.

I swear, if I had access to a wider audience… 10 minutes of air time on WWN and I will fry him.

Warded to H98 sans Zacharias Smith

Hey. I’ve just lost my job and without steady income it’s financially irresponsible to continue renting when I know I’d be welcome back home. I am definitely not going to follow Astoria’s and Andrei’s example of simply asking for jobs going so I don’t know how long it will take to find another. I’d probably have to leave. I’d like to come back because this place has grown on me but I don’t know how long that will be. Of course, I can always visit, but it’s not the same, so I thought it was only right to tell you.

Also, I haven’t told Lavender yet. I haven’t found the right way to break it to her and she’s also got enough on her plate right now, emotionally. So please don’t mention this to her.

Wayne Hopkins
@awkwardsoup 27 April 2001

~~Warded to Eloise Midgen~~

Private

OK, if I work all through the weekend I think I can get it done. And then he’ll figure out it doesn’t really work, at some point, and then… And then I don’t know. He’ll get me fired? Figure out I was trying to trick him and do something worse?

This really doesn’t solve anything, does it? Shit.

But it’s the only idea I’ve got.

I just want him to leave me alone.

Taliesyn Robards
@bookphile 27 April 2001

Warded to Lavender Brown

Um, hi. I don’t think we’ve ever properly met but I’ve been to the Grotto a few times. Uh… my father told me what happened with you today, I mean, with Orpington. I’m completely shocked at what he said. ~~But hopefully this means more people will be disgusted and he’ll have to leave town?~~ I just want to make sure you’re OK. Well, as OK as anyone can be after being called such hurtful words. I can come round, if you’d like. I’ve just finished perfecting a batch of tea that’s really good at restoring emotional balance.

Or if you want time to yourself that’s all right as well. I’ll just send the owl over.

Let me know if you’d like some company.

Sylvie Fawcett
@sylvie_fawcett 27 April 2001

You know, it’s bad enough harassing my sister when she’s sitting right there in front of you trying to enjoy a coffee. It’s a dick move, but okay. It’s quite another to send her harassing letters at fucking Hogwarts to tell her any offers are still open for when she finishes her NEWTs.

You are fucking writing to a fucking — well, legal 18 year old adult — but still, a student, at school and now I’m the one she’s cross with even though it was her fucking idea to visit her friends in Helga’s Hill in the first place. Not sure how that’s fair.

Someone needs to castrate that man. And pronto.

Ophelia Selwyn
@thefairophelia 28 April 2001

Owl Post

To: Gavin MacDougal
From: Ophelia Selwyn

Mr. MacDougal,

I noticed that you never returned to claim any of your belongings since the other night ~~you coward~~. Please allow me to do you the courtesy of sending your clothes along. I do hope the shrinking spells I used can be reversed easily: for a man who hates shopping, you have such an extensive wardrobe and I could scarcely expect one owl to carry them all as they were.

Regards,
Ophelia C. Selwyn

[Included is a bundle including every piece of clothing Gavin owned, from hats to briefs to boots, all of which have been shrunk with such a tangle of spells that he’ll either have to have it undone by a professional seamstress or buy an entirely new wardrobe.]

Portia Diggle
@portraying 28 April 2001

Ugh. I think I’ve caught Penny’s stomach bug.

Megan Jones
@schmones 28 April 2001

Private

He’s wearing new robes again and he keeps ordering drinks and he’s talking about Zach’s party and what he’ll wear to that too. I didn’t think he was going to be there. And he still hasn’t paid for any of the drinks…

I don’t know why he has to be so

rude.

He’s so rude. We gave him money and it was good money but he’s just

it’s not for him to buy brooms with it’s for the building. How many brooms does he need? Even Gwenog only has three and one’s that old Silver Arrow, and he doesn’t even play Quidditch. That’s mum and dad’s money he’s wasting. That’s Hestia’s money.

And you don’t even need a Firebolt if you’re not racing or playing, and he’s not doing either.

I wish he’d just go away.

Except then they’d never get the money back. I wish

I wish he’d just make the building and then go away

I wish Hestia would just ask Gwenog for money

I wish

Zach Smith
@its_all_aboutme 28 April 2001

Warded to Isolde Montgomery

I don’t know what your exact flower arrangements for the festival are but they’re wrong.

Susan Bones
@ambrosial 29 April 2001

Owl Post

To: Astoria Greengrass
From: Susan Bones

Heaven Scent
3 Hufflepuff Way
Helga’s Hill
Wales

29th April 2001

Dear Ms Greengrass,

Congratulations! Following your successful interview, I am delighted to be able to offer you the job of Shop Assistant at Heaven Scent. This is a permanent position for 15 hours a week, with the possibility of taking on more hours as the business demands.

Please find enclosed your contract. I would be grateful if you could sign and return the letter of acceptance at your earliest convenience.

I look forward to working with you. Welcome to the team!

Yours sincerely,

Susan Bones
Manager
Heaven Scent

Susan Bones
@ambrosial 29 April 2001

Warded to Hannah Abbott

Guess what! I have a new shopgirl! It’s Astoria Greengrass. ~~I know she was in the IS but~~ She really sparkled in her interview and I think she’ll be a good fit at the shop. ~~Apparently Zach told her I would be a good employer~~ And gosh, you should’ve seen some of the other people who applied. That girl who works at the Fat Fryer, she handed in an application, but all she talked about in her interview was how she hated the smell of chip fat in her hair. It was really awkward.

I’m so glad it’s all over! It was so stressful having to be all official and businesslike. (I bought a book from Tattered Pages about wizarding business law and you wouldn’t believe how complicated it is.) But now I can relax! Obviously it’ll be a while before I can leave Astoria on her own in the shop — she’ll need to be trained, of course — but I’m already looking forward to being able to spend more time out the back in the workroom. There’s even a little plot of land that came with the shop, and I’m thinking I might be able to put a greenhouse up so I can grow more of my own plants. So much to think about!

Can you tell this is a weight off my mind?

Heidi MacDonalds
@bravehearted 29 April 2001

Private

So he’ll sleep with Sylvie Slaggy Fawcett but not me? What’s she got that I haven’t? ~~Except for bigger knockers~~ I’m blonde, and everyone knows blondes have more fun!

I can’t believe he said those things to me. I only wanted a kiss, I didn’t think he’d react like that ~~in front of everybody~~. ~~Am I really so disgusting~~

Warded to Andrei Capper

Hey. Um I’m really sorry about the other day in the marketplace. You know, for arresting you like that. I hope you didn’t get too bruised when I tackled you. I was just trying to ~~impress Orpington~~ do my job. I guess I got carried away.

~~He said~~

Anyway. I also wanted to say… you were probably right. Criminal, but right.

Next time I’ll help you fling manure at him. ~~With rocks in. And I hope they hit his HEAD and I hope he DIES.~~

Astoria Greengrass
@headcase 29 April 2001

Well, for everyone who doubted my methods of finding a job, I’d like to announce that you are reading a journal entry by the newest shopgirl at Heaven Scent! (Thank you Zacharias!!) Look for me at the stall at the Badger Festival for the morning shift, and I’ll also be at the shop several days a week, selling you all kinds of lovely lotions and potions and things.

And Alexander Derrick, I’ve found out what a live model really is, and I shall not be doing that for you or for any actual artists, either. You must think you’re very clever.

Private

AHHH I can’t believe I’ve got a job!! This is going to be fun, I think. Rather poor timing that it’s come up just as I’ve got the Ophelia Project to occupy me but I didn’t want to ask if it could wait a bit.

Now I’ve got to ask Daphne to help me pick out something to wear. I’m thinking the dove grey robes with the little white collar and pearly buttons down the front, they’re very professional. And maybe the green and white stripes for the festival, they’re nice and summery.

You know, maybe I’m a born saleswitch. Maybe this has been my DESTINY all along and I was just going to get married and shut myself up and never develop my true talents.

AJ Singh
@aka_aj 29 April 2001

Warded to Lavender Brown

I hope you’re working all your regular shifts this week, because my work schedule’s not too crazy for a change and I was thinking I might come do my revision at the Grotto. (And it’s only partly because I’m sort of avoiding the Jewel until my Dad cools down.)

Hope I’ll see my favourite bartender there.

Astoria Greengrass
@headcase 30 April 2001

Owl Post

To: Gavin MacDougal
From: Astoria Greengrass

Gavin — and you’ll notice I’m not writing ‘dear Gavin’ because you are not particularly dear to me right now — I am appalled to hear of your treatment of my friend Ophelia. Or, more to the point, your uncle’s treatment of her and your absolute lack of a backbone in the face of it. Shame on you for allowing anyone to treat your fiancée that way, and shame on you for leaving her.

And it’s no mistake that I’m calling her your fiancée, not your ex-fiancée, because you are only fooling yourself if you think your promise can be broken as easily as that. I’d like to remind you that since Ophelia moved in with you ~~(not the smartest decision she’s ever made but that’s beside the point now)~~ you have already made her your wife in everything but name. How dare you make that kind of commitment to her and then think you can avoid seeing it through. It’s worse than ungentlemanly, it’s unmanly, and I wonder how you can even look at yourself in the mirror.

All that said, and though this may be hard to believe, I am on your side. I am doing my best to speak well of you to Ophelia (which takes no small amount of effort on my part, believe me) and I’m trying to make sure the damage you’ve caused isn’t totally irreversible. But there are two things you absolutely must do, and quickly:

Secure a new position so you are no longer dependent on that untrustworthy swamp slime you call an uncle
Come crawling back to Ophelia on your hands and knees assuring her that you are not fit to kiss the hem of her robe, because guess what, you’re not

If there’s anything I can do to assist you in mending your union with Ophelia, please don’t hesitate to ask. I am happy to pass messages, arrange meetings, continue speaking well of you, etc. But first things first, grow a spine and tell your uncle where he can shove it.

Yours sincerely,
Astoria Greengrass

Megan Jones
@schmones 30 April 2001

Private

Just because they were talking about it doesn’t mean it’s going to happen, money isn’t everything and we’ll make lots tomorrow because we have fresh strawberries for tarts and lots of lovely food and we’re not closing down, ever, and no one’s going to move away and we can find Ernie a job somewhere so he doesn’t have to either and we can all stay here.

If they’re really really worried about the money and the roof’s that bad they can get money from Gwenog and they would right? If it was about the Badger? Because the Badger’s really, really important, so if it’s that bad they’ll do it even though she’s their daughter and daddy don’t like to.

Maybe I’ll ask her.

Maybe I’ll ask him.

He has enough money already or he wouldn’t be spending so much on brooms, right? He’s really rich and successful so he has money too. So maybe he can just give ours back if he doesn’t need it, and he can’t need it or they wouldn’t be talking about how successful it’s going to be and he wouldn’t be buying so many new robes. You couldn’t build something like that unless you had lots of money already.

Maybe if he just gives back half of it, then they can fix the roof and do the other repairs and Hestia won’t have to work two jobs ~~why did she give him so much~~ and everything will be fine. And tomorrow we’ll make lots of money so that will help too.

Everything will be fine and everyone can stay here and be together.

Tomorrow’s such an early day so I’m going to bed soon but don’t forget to come to the stall for the Salty Badger! We’ll have pies and pasties and lots of good things, and you can still go inside for a pint and a full meal too! But it’s going to be a beautiful day so you might not want to (but it also might be warm, so maybe you will!)

Roni Smethley
@roni_smethley 30 April 2001

Tomorrow is the Badger Festival are you excited I am sooooo excited!!! I even took tomorrow off work at St Mungo’s I felt bad because I do not like to miss work even if someone else can sit at the Welcome Desk for me and tell people where they need to go but they told me it’s okay to take the day off since I live in Helga’s Hill. Also, the Far Friar Fitness Centre will have a booth to talk about their summer programmes so if you think you want an exercise class for the summer you should check it out. I will be sitting there for a little while but if I am not there everyone else who works there is also very helpful.

I hear there is a pancake breakfast in the morning that is so exciting I will be there bright and early. I love pancakes!!! And I love festivals!!!

I am so excited and happy I do not know how I will sleep!!!!

Portia Diggle
@portraying 30 April 2001

RP: You look terrible

Who: Portia Diggle and Penny Diggle
Where: 5 Hufflepuff Way
When: Early morning

It was a beautiful day. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, and Portia was no longer throwing up. Filled with cheer at the thought that she could now finish off the last slice of chocolate gateau in their fridge, Portia was applying her makeup when Penny burst into the bathroom and, without further ado, bent over the toilet and threw up. “Ew,” Portia said, regarding her sister critically. “You look terrible.” When the only reply was a weak moan, Portia picked up a clean facecloth and ran it under the cold tap for a moment. “Here,” she said, not unkindly, “wipe your mouth with that.”

Humphrey Winfield-Hayes
@mugglebornslyth 30 April 2001

I suppose in the spirit of the Badger Festival I should mention that Twice Upon a Time will be open for business as usual, though I’m afraid we can’t get into the sales spirit. Valuable antiques don’t become less valuable on certain dates. But you’re welcome to negotiate.

We will, however, have a special display with certain items from the life and times of Helga Hufflepuff. Come along and see this rare collection. One day only. Strictly no touching. ~~Or it’ll burn your fingers off.~~

Private

Jesus Christ I don’t know how I managed to get through the weekend without pilfering anything. I could have fucking slipped Helga’s comb into my pocket and no-one would be any wiser. Maybe I should’ve. I can’t get full price on it but some greedy fool would have still parted with good money. It’d have set me up for the rest of the year. I could have eaten at The Glass Slipper every day. I could’ve slept under a blanket made of unicorn hair. Why didn’t I? Now the display’s been fucking made and photographed and it’s too late, back to casing the Leaky for pocket change from the drunk and stupid. God, I’m an idiot.

Warded to Alexander Derrick

Oi, mate. Where’s my regular order? I’ve got the money so don’t hold out on me.

Astoria Greengrass
@headcase 30 April 2001

Private

I am NOT destined to be a saleswitch. This is awful. Why do people even have jobs? I bashed my shin on a box and got a bruise the size of my hand, and I’ve lost two pearl buttons off my robes and the new ones I transfigured don’t match right at all.

I want to go home. I want Bonko to make me milky tea and fix my buttons and tell me everything will be okay. But I CAN’T, not after I begged and begged Daphne to let me stay. If I give up now I’m just un-engaged and un-employed and a big fat failure at everything.

I hate my life. Xavier Orpington ruined everything.

I’m going to go take the longest bath ever with a whole bottle of drowsy bubbles. No, just a few bubbles, because I have to wake up early tomorrow and do this ALL OVER AGAIN. And worst of all I have to act like I like it. UGH.

AJ Singh
@aka_aj 30 April 2001

Warded to Portia Diggle

Not dead, I hope?

Wayne Hopkins
@awkwardsoup 30 April 2001

Warded to H98 — YES, INCLUDING ZACHARIAS

So, everybody going to the Badger Festival?

Andrei Capper
@andreicapper 30 April 2001

I think the weekend’s events are proof that evil can’t keep you down long, at least not for longer than two days. Yes, I did throw cow poo at Orpington. No, I don’t regret it. I hope somebody who was there took pictures. I will buy them from you! I could watch it over and over and over again.

I am only sorry that I was supposed to be manning Barney’s stall. Barney — I am so, so sorry about that. I will pay for all the produce I ruined, at market price. Also I’m sorry that I had to get carted off and leave the stall unattended ~~not that there was much left to buy~~. I didn’t know Heidi was there. ~~Please don’t fire me. Not that I need the job but I was having fun with it and who enjoys being fired?~~ I hope Orpington doesn’t give you trouble over this because, I don’t know, you grew the vegetables that put a dent in his hair. Of course that’s ridiculous logic but this is Orpington we are talking about, the dangerously egotistical have a logic of their own.