Daily Prophet@dailyprophet 1 September 2001
Actual Sorority of Murderous Sisters Arrested in Helga’s Hill!
Daily ProphetActual Sorority of Murderous Sisters Arrested in Helga’s Hill!
Wayne HopkinsWarded to Barney Dunstan
Testing, testing. How are you feeling, kiddo?
Heidi MacDonaldsWarded to Romilda Vane
If you’ve ruined my career I will never forgive you.
Warded to Tamara Crumb
Thanks for being a true friend.
Warded to Henry Radford
Sorry.
Wayne HopkinsTo: Louisa Macnair
From: Wayne Hopkins
Mandy BrocklehurstMy brothers Sorted Gryffindor this evening, the little traitors. And on my birthday, too. How rude.
Of course, as siblings go they could be poisoning the water or murdering people. So I suppose I’m doing better than some.
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Daily ProphetBlood on her hands!
Lucinda Vane’s bloody fingerprints found on anti-Orpington materials
Ben MacnairIf anyone wants me, I’m staying at my mum’s for a few days.
Private
Not exactly how I’d planned on losing my virginity, but at least it was with someone I loved, however briefly. Looking Fliss in the face is going to be an interesting challenge now, though.
The worst of it is I recognise these feelings. Not the obsession, not the impulsivity, but…
I’m so stupid. And there’s fuck-all I can do about it now, but wait and hope and feel bad for hoping.
Warded to Wayne Hopkins
Sorry about punching you, by the way.
Louisa MacnairWarded to Wayne Hopkins
Okay, now you can come over.
Sally-Anne PerksAfter all the shocks of the last week, I’m very pleased to say that I have some good news.
Next Monday, September 9th, Higher Grounds will be re-opening!
Everything is new and shiny and lovely and I can’t wait to welcome everyone back. We’ve put all our years of experience into creating a little coffee haven in Helga’s Hill. But not everything old is gone! We still have our best-selling blends, plus a few additions, and there will be a few new yummy treats to make your coffee break even better.
If that hasn’t whet your appetite, we’re also introducing a new loyalty card: buy nine coffees, get your tenth free!
Warded to Wenceslas Wickersham
When are you free this week? We should probably do a bit of training with the new equipment. On Friday evening, we’re going to be doing a tasting of the entire menu so that we can all be familiar with it. Feel free to bring a date!
Warded to H98, Audrey Singh, AJ Singh
On Friday evening, we’re going to be doing a tasting of the entire menu so that the staff can all be familiar with it. You’re all welcome to join us (with dates, if you want!) because it would be lovely to get some feedback. 7pm.
Warded to Audrey Singh
I know you can’t actually come, but it feels so silly not inviting you.
Susan BonesWarded to H98 minus Hannah
I’m taking Hannah away for a bit. If you need either of us I expect you’ll be able to reach us through the journals if absolutely necessary, but I’d like her to have at least a few days just to herself. Thank you for understanding.
Warded to Astoria Greengrass
I do apologise for the short notice, but I’m going on holiday for a little while. It probably goes without saying but Blodwen is in charge while I’m away. The back room is pretty well stocked up with everything so you should be fine. Leave the limited edition autumn body butters until I get back — I’m probably going to bring them out around the time of the Alban Elfed Festival. Look after the shop and try not to change too much, will you? keep up the good work!
Warded to Mandy Brocklehurst
Marriages conducted while one or both parties are under the influence of a love potion can’t be legal, surely?
Warded to Henry Radford
I just wanted to let you know that I’m going away for a week, so I won’t be around to babysit Daisy. I’ll miss you both, of course, but I feel relatively confident that you won’t starve or succumb to scurvy in my absence. I’ll see you when I get back.
Tristan MontgomeryWarded to Tom Pippin
Are you busy? I was thinking that, now that I can safely walk the streets again without needing a protection detail, we could go for a stroll and have a picnic.
Taliesyn RobardsTo: Dorothy Spinks
From: Taliesyn Robards
Dear Dorothy,
Have you and your brother given any more thought to renting out that spare room of yours? There is one minor detail I forgot to mention — I have a dog. But he’s only a little dog! His name is Watson and he’s a corgi. Here’s a picture of him:
That’s actually from when he was a puppy because I can get any recent pictures of him because they’re in my old flat and I refuse to go back there but he’s not much bigger, I promise. He won’t make any trouble. I’ll pay extra. Name your price. I have to get out I am dying here.
Regards,
Taliesyn
Sasha CapperBloody fingerprints? When did we stumble into a crime procedural on the wireless? I mean, honestly.
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Barney DunstanStella I am so sorry it was not me it was the love potion and I love you I have always loved you and I don’t love anyone else and please come home I am waiting for you and I miss you and I am really sorry and it hurts so much that I hurt you.
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Alex DerrickYes, yes, it’s very funny. May I remind you most of you weren’t exactly acting rationally either? Whatever, get it out of your system.
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Ernie MacmillanWarded to Sasha Capper
You enjoy good coffee, don’t you?
Isolde MontgomeryWarded to Ben, Heidi, Tam, Andrei, Rom, Fliss, Wicks, Louisa, & Dot
Guess who didn’t come home last night after a picnic with a certain Healer? And only made it back just in time to get dressed for work this morning looking all glowy?
The little tramp. I’m so proud.
Wendy WickershamWarded to Katie Bell
I had a really nice time visiting your parents. Thanks for the escape. I really needed it.
Astoria GreengrassWho: Astoria Greengrass, Tali Robards, Cary Robards, and Zacharias Smith
Where: Tattered Pages and nearby alley
When: Evening
Astoria trailed her finger along the spines of the books as she walked through the shelves. She wasn’t even bothering to read the titles, really; as usual, she was too bored to even care. She just sort of idly hoped one would jump out at her and look interesting. When she’d come in the shop Taliesyn had been occupied helping another customer, so she was biding her time until he could spare a moment to give her the recommendations he’d promised. Although those would probably be boring too. She sighed, and it came out rather loud in the otherwise quiet bookshop.
Isolde MontgomeryTo: Tristan Montgomery
From: Isolde Montgomery
Congratulations on the sex!! Love, Issy
Gwen MontgomeryWarded to Tom Pippin
Why is Issy giving Tristan flowers to congratulate her on “the sex”?
You do realize that if you hurt her in any way that I will murder you with my bare hands, right? Better yet, I’ll have Terence hire someone to disappear you entirely. Just keep it in mind.
Warded to Tristan & Isolde
I cannot believe you two didn’t tell me!
Tristan MontgomeryWarded to Tom Pippin
I’m so sorry. Whatever she said to you please just disregard it.
I hate them.
Emelda VaneI am not a hypocrite, so I would like to offer everyone this opportunity to ask me questions regarding my recent arrest and the events surrounding it, should you wish to. I will answer truthfully.
P.S. It is nice to be back under the little tent of blue.
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Matilda VaneWarded to Sisters Vane
Where are we going to find 750 galleons? The fifty hours of community service each is manageable, but we don’t have that sort of money lying around.
Romilda VaneHome. Looking forward to my own bed and decent tea.
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Tom PippinWarded to Romilda Vane
So. We need to have a conversation.
Zach SmithThis is going to sound completely crazy, but trust me, it’s not, because I haven’t been drinking anything except bottled water since you know what happened. But yesterday I caught Astoria and some man — I say man, but in that particular circumstance he was small enough to stand on my palm — ingesting unknown substances for a lark. Now, it’s no fucking lark, OK, especially considering what half the town went through only a few days ago. I’m disappointed that Astoria won’t tell me who that man was. I don’t know why she’s protecting him. I’m sure it’s his fault because she couldn’t have dreamed up such a hare-brained idea on her own.
He gave me the slip at J Pippin’s so I couldn’t question him. All I know is that he’s got dark hair, but I’ve got five galleons for anyone who can convincingly identify him. We don’t need this kind of idiocy in our town.
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Wayne HopkinsWarded to Portia Diggle
So I heard about the casting. That’s good news, right?
Ginny WeasleyTo: Percy Weasley
From: Ginny Weasley
Hey Perce,
Sorry to bother you, but I need a favour. The Apothecary below me accidentally released an entire crate of live scarab beetles and they’ve infested my flat. Shouldn’t take long to get the place cleaned up, but I think I need some time away to shake the feeling of them crawling on me in my sleep. But, mostly, I’m bored and want a change of scenery.
Can I stay with you? Mum’s wedding obsessed and Harry’s being a bit of a prat at the moment, actually busy.
Plus, how often do I get to stay in a town housing two of my favourite big brothers these days?
Thanks in advance,
Gin
Lucinda Vanei will maintain the utmost respect for human life; i made this promise solemnly, freely and upon my honor.
if there was blood, it’s because i was bleeding. if i was bleeding, it’s because i was bitten. badgers can be fierce.
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Romilda VaneWarded to Taliesyn Robards
I want to apologise. I know I made you very uncomfortable while I was under the influence and I’m so sorry for that. I wish I hadn’t put you in such an awkward position.
Stephen CornfootThe Ministry finally returned the paperwork from the office a couple of days ago. I don’t remember there being so much before it was taken. Is it possible for paperwork to multiply? I’m almost wondering if it’s worth hiring an assistant, even temporarily.
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Verity JenkinsMY WEDDING IS ONLY TWO MONTHS FROM TODAY!!!
I hope you’ve all been contemplating the important things. Like dates! And presents!
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Verity JenkinsTo: Katie Bell, Cho Chang, Stella Chambers, Belle Dunstan, Marietta Edgecombe, Alicia Spinnet, and Ginny Weasley
From: Verity Jenkins
[Enclosed with each package are cake pops, a pinwheel, sunglasses, a bottle of nail varnish, and a personalized hip flask.]
Taliesyn RobardsWell. It seems I’ve been forced to I’ll be moving onto pastures new. Goodbye, Tattered Pages. You’ll always have a place in my heart.
Please direct all future Pages related questions to Wendy. I’m sure she’s competent at her job.
Astoria you still have not read a book since you’ve been here.
Mandy BrocklehurstStephen wasn’t home when I went to see him tonight so I went to his office to drag him home but the place has been ransacked and someone tied him up and he’s unconscious and I think he’s breathing but I don’t know.
Oh god, someone please help.
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Daily ProphetWho Broke Into Orpington Industries? Was it the Vane Sisters? What Are They Trying to Hide?
Or could Audrey Singh be the vandal?
Michael CornerNot only did I buy a new bed and dresser today, I put them together all by myself.
I get adult points for that, right?
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Terence HiggsPAAAAAARTY.
PAAAAAARTY on Friday 13th!
FOOD. DRINK. COSTUMES MANDATORY.
TOWN SQUARE. EVENING.
FIREWORKS.
PAAAAAAAARTY.
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Andrei CapperWould it be too scary if I dressed as Orpington for the party?
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Dot SpinksWarded to Ben, Louisa, Tristan, Fliss, Wicks
Are any of you going to this party on Friday?
Edmund thinks I should go but
I don’t want to
I want to be more social but I don’t want to go alone in case
I need a new quill. And to figure out a costume, I guess.
Sylvie FawcettMichael Corner has a secret and I know what it is.
But my lips are sealed. For now, anyway.
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Zach SmithWarded to Tristan & Daphne
SOMEBODY HAS WRITTEN SOME TERRIBLE GRAFFITI OVER THE FRONT OF THE MAYOR’S OFFICE AND I NEED YOUR HELP TO REMOVE IT BEFORE ANYONE ELSE SEES.
Sally-Anne PerksHigher Grounds is officially reopen for business!!!
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Barney DunstanI miss Stella. She said she needed space and I can understand that but it is very hard to wait patiently. I think she will forgive me because she knows it wasn’t my fault but I am sure it is very hard for her too until she can do that. I miss her though and I think the cows miss her too. I hope she comes home soon.
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Stephen CornfootAfter Friday’s incident, I am indeed alive. It seems that I owe Mandy for my good health. If I hadn’t been found as soon as I was, not doubt they would have kept me in hospital for observation for another night. I never imagined that office work could be quite so dangerous.
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Sebastian StebbinsTo: Stella Chambers
From: Sebastian Stebbins
Stella,
I hope this owl actually finds you. I sent it to your brother’s house in France on the off chance that you’re actually there. That’s the last place I heard you were and I would absolutely hate to wear out this poor bird. If you’re already back in the country, I say you owe it an owl treat or two.
Where am I? Helga’s Hill, of course. How on Earth am I supposed to have any sort of housewarming without one of my favourite girls? Or, for that matter, with Barney looking as though someone has just kicked a puppy.
Come home, Stella. I want to hear all about your foray into the world of acting. Besides, what red-blooded male wouldn’t want you to talk dirty to him?
Stebbins
Andrei CapperWarded to Felicity Eastchurch
Are you going to Friday’s party?
Mandy BrocklehurstI can’t be the only one who found that graffiti on the Mayor’s building slightly disconcerting, right? How is this not the talk of the town?
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Susan BonesIt’s lovely to get away, but nice to be back too.
Warded to Astoria Greengrass
Is it true that you
What you get up to in your own time is your own affair but please consider the reputation of
Hello! I’ll try and drop in during your next shift, but I just wanted to check that everything was fine while I was gone? No problems or anything like that?
Warded to Henry Radford
A little bird tells me it’s your birthday this Friday. By my reckoning it’s my turn to take you out to dinner. Are you free this weekend?
Taliesyn RobardsPrivate
It seems when you stick ‘Robards’ on a nameplate a stream of people who would have otherwise walked by cannot resist dropping in to say hello. I had visitors in dribs and drabs until lunchtime. By the eighth I was ready to put up a ‘closed for stocktaking’ sign. Most were unassuming and well-meaning, but there was one that stuck out in the mind, and I have decided to commit the conversation to paper, to the best of my memory, because it bears further mouth-dropping astonishment reflection.
It started with too, too, too much hand-shaking. “Taliesyn Robards! What a pleasant surprise.”
“Hullo, Mrs Wiggleswade. How do you do?”
“Never mind me, how are you? You know, I know your father well, and your brother of course, and your mother best of all, but I don’t think we’ve actually met. I don’t think we have.”
“Well-” We have met. I’ve been to your house five times, to attend five consecutive birthday parties for your daughter Marigold from the ages of five to nine. I’m so glad you remember.
“How are your parents, by the way? We haven’t seen your mother Cecilia in ages, not since you’ve all moved to the country. How is she?”
“She’s—”
“Not too bored in the countryside, I hope? Tell you what — why don’t you all come around for a visit? It’s been far too long. Quickly, too, before the weather turns. We’ve just got the gardens redone and the fish ponds restocked. I’ll bet you won’t have seen fish ponds like ours in the whole of Britain.”
I’ve seen your fish ponds. I’ve been in your fish ponds, too, against my will.
“And how is Idris?”
“He’s—”
Mrs Wiggleswade dropped her voice. “Now, I know it’s not polite to be pleased about others’ misfortune, and believe me we were all very sorry that Jane and Idris called off their engagement, but in hindsight it may have been for the best. He’s been exchanging letters with Marigold, you see, and they’ve rekindled a friendship.”
“Oh.”
“Early days yet, but I find a 50,000 galleon inheritance does tend to hurry things along.”
“Hurry? Oh! Oh. Well, I hate to disappoint you, but Idris is… is seeing someone. Already.”
Mrs Wiggleswade straightened up and regarded me with a beady eye. “Really?”
“Yes, really.”
“I thought he was unattached.”
“He’s not.” Oh, just go for it. “I am, though.”
“Oh, not to worry. You’re still young. I’m sure you’ll find someone to have you.”
A timely reminder to never go for it ever, ever again.
“Who is she?”
“Who is what?”
The beady eye was back. “The young lady that has captured Idris, as you say.”
Quick, a name, any name. Just make one up.
“Matilda Vane.”
Well, crap.
Return of the beady eye, version three. “Where have I heard her name? Was she in the paper?” The eyes widened. “Wasn’t she in jail?”
“Ah ha ha… technically, no. She was questioned though. But I am — Idris is — confident there is no case to answer. A simple misunderstanding.”
Mrs Wiggleswade worked this over in her mind. The Prophet’s pull was strong. I was about to pass out from the breath I’ve been holding since forever when she finally conceded. “Yes, I suppose Idris would know the ins and outs. Such a shame.”
“Yes, if only there was more than one Idris to go around so everyone can have one.”
“I better tell Marigold not to get her hopes up. I won’t be looking forward to dinner tonight.”
“I am so sorry to be the bearer of bad news.”
Mrs Wiggleswade waved a hand. “Oh, better she know sooner than later. Though I must say it’s rather ungentlemanly behaviour from Idris. I expect more of him. I shall be looking at him in a different light.”
“Yes, he’s a terrible person.”
“How much money has her family got?”
“Uh… I really don’t know. I don’t think money is a factor here.”
She rolled her eyes and snorted. “I suppose the heart wants what it wants.”
“Yeah. Precisely. The heart. Wants. Yes.”
“What does your mother think of all that?”
“Uh, well, I, umm, I think she’s, ah, pleased. Can’t wait for the grandchildren.”
“Really? Doesn’t sound like the Cecilia I know.”
“I’m sorry?”
Mrs Wiggleswade shrugged. “Oh, nothing. But I suppose people change. And change again, as it were. I don’t recognise what you’re telling me but then again we haven’t spoken in a while, and I daresay if you saw her 25 years ago you wouldn’t recognise her either.” She tilted her head. “She was fairly frivolous and dreamy in those days, so maybe she’s reverted.”
“Dreamy?”
“Yes, you know, soft, delicate, head in the clouds, a doe-eyed ingenue. We couldn’t believe it when she decided to marry your father.”
“Um…”
“Now, I mean that with no disrepect to him, what I mean is we were shocked because it was pretty much an open secret that she had something going with Xavier, Merlin rest his soul. I mean, they were discreet, but you know how Ministry families run together. It was something that nobody talked about but everyone was 100% sure something was there. And suddenly it wasn’t. She told us one day she was engaged to Robards and she never said a word about Xavier again.”
Mrs Wiggleswade barely paused for breath. She spoke like she had two decades worth of gossip to unleash upon me. “Don’t get me wrong, your father was a very attractive man—”
STOP SPEAKING NOW.
“— good for a roll in the hay, but really, to be honest, not marriage material. Not for someone like Cecilia Scrimgeour, anyway. Let me tell you the context. His father was a Muggleborn and in those days you could never get anywhere as one, unless, I suppose, if you played Quidditch. Which he did. So that helped a little. Even purists are willing to overlook their ideology if you can score 15 goals in a match. His mother was as posh as the best of us but you couldn’t quite get the whiff of the working class off him, which is where I suppose his relationship with Charlotte Hatter fell apart.
But that’s another story! This one is about your mother. Where was I? Oh, yes, the social context, which wasn’t ideal. Also, there was his job. An Auror. In the middle of a war.”
She paused for effect. “That’s bad?” I offer.
“Well, everyone was in the war, and I can’t say there’s anybody who didn’t suffer the stress of thinking something terrible would happen to their loves ones, but still — an Auror. In a war. We all thought she was mad! She could have been widowed straight after her honeymoon. There’s no way Gawain would have taken it easy because he was newly married. He was always volunteering for the most dangerous raids, telling all and sundry he couldn’t wait to go up against giants, and that going on a mission with only sketchy intelligence was an enormous thrill. I suppose he might have been keen to prove himself but there’s keen and then there’s a death wish.”
“Death wish?”
Mrs Wiggleswade clicked her tongue. “I suppose that’s not the right way to describe it. I mean, he had full confidence he’d come back alive from every assignment. He did think himself invincible. It was somewhat irritating and tempting fate always gave my husband the heebie-jeebies, but what can I say? Your father’s alive and well, when so many others weren’t as fortunate, so maybe he is actually invincible,” she chuckled.
“Anyway, the point is — and I’m sorry I’ve taken the long road when I’m sure much of this you know already — the point is nobody really knew what Cecilia was thinking. Maybe because of the war she thought she ought to get a husband ASAP. Her mother had recently disappeared, she had no siblings, so it was just her and her father. So maybe she really wanted more people in her family. Her father was an Auror was well so maybe she just went with what she knew. Maybe she thought they would be sensible enough to keep a closer eye on each other.”
She coughed. “Like I said, slightly hard to fathom. Cecilia was very demure for a redhead, and Gawain is, well, he’s really not changed at all, so I’m sure you know what he’s like. But they’ve got three sons and she’s as hard-nosed as he is these days, so I’m sure it’s actually worked out brilliantly.”
Mrs Wiggleswade spotted the clock. “Gosh, look at the time. It was lovely meeting you, Taliesyn. Do tell your mother to write, won’t you? I’d love to know if she’s gone back to being a romantic, after all these years. I have to dash now. Ta ta!”
My mother was once a doe-eyed ingenue. My mother once had some thing going with Orpington. She’s actually a natural redhead.
WHAT. WHAT. WHAT. WHAT. WHAT.
Jennie HopkinsApparently I’m meant to ask Stella Chambers about her crazy mummy. But I don’t know if I can, because last I heard she was still in France, giving her boyfriend a time out.
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AJ SinghWarded to Audrey Singh
Here’s a thought. Have you tried seeing if you can go up on the roof? If the tracking charms are set to the footprint of the house… could be worth a try.
Warded to Lavender Brown
Do you like the Weird Sisters?
Emelda Vane[Posted on various noticeboards around town, and also in the classifieds section of the Quibbler.]
FOR SALE
2 x WEIRD SISTERS
CONCERT TICKETS
25 GALLEONS O.N.O.
All enquiries to E. VANE
8 Helga’s Hill Road
Seamus FinniganMoving an entire shop is harder than you’d think, even with magic. And I’ve got about a dozen splinters. And there’s a stray puppy out the back that’s been hanging around a couple days and won’t go away.
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Sylvie FawcettI never thought we would make it to the day when Wayne Hopkins was bad-arse enough to have graffiti written about him. Hiding state secrets, eh, Hopkins?
I have to agree with Bell. I’m incredibly interesting. Where’s my graffiti?!
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Terence HiggsWho: Terence Higgs, Gwen Montgomery
Where: Town Square
When: Evening
Terence had tried very hard to justify why the fireworks he had pushed for were three times the going rate. Of course, that was because there was a hidden component beyond the regular five-minute show he thought the plebs would enjoy, but he couldn’t well tell Gwen he’d planned to spell out “Gwen, I love you. Will you marry me?” 100 feet in the air with pyrotechnics. He’d thought of doing a much more complicated message — money wasn’t an object, of course — but a demonstration showed the words ended up being too small. Less was better. It’d be highly embarrassing if it couldn’t be read.
Stella ChambersWarded to Barney Dunstan
I miss you so much, Barney. Everything is so screwed up with the press and everyone else being onto my mother and digging into our past and everything is going to come out and we can’t keep it a secret anymore. And I just… I miss you. I don’t want to have to deal with this without you.
Is that selfish? Maybe that’s selfish.
I’m not sure that I care if it’s selfish.
But maybe you do.
I feel like I don’t know anything anymore.
AJ SinghWarded to Lavender Brown
That was terrible. Let’s not do that again.
Daphne GreengrassBut I don’t want to ask Alexander Derrick about his shady anything!
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Tristan MontgomeryWarded to Dorothy Spinks
I left the party early to try to find Gwen, but I heard that
Are you all right?
Dot SpinksPrivate
I am never listening to Edmund again
I hate everyone and everything
I am such a freak
Warded to Barney Dunstan
Sorry for screaming so much last night. It wasn’t your fault.
Romilda VaneWarded to Tom Pippin
Just so we’re clear, I’m on my break and not skiving off.
Anyway, something a bit strange happened earlier. A bloke came in, asked for Christine, then got kind of weird with me when I said she was on a break and left. I didn’t really think much of it until he came back about half an hour later. He went straight to Christine, asked for a hangover potion and I think what he called a boredom buster. Never heard of it before and it struck me as kind of weird.
Taliesyn RobardsThe worst thing about working the library is when people check the books out. Yes, I understand on a logical level that is the whole point, but it is also the worst point. The absolute worst. Why can’t they just read them in the actual library? We have very plush armchairs. They are the best armchairs in the whole building, apart from the Minister’s office, I imagine. Very comfy. Don’t go anywhere! Just sit here! Relax! Look, I’ll make you a cup of tea if you stay put, OK?
My fears about books going to unworthy homes is well placed. I’ve had a book returned with jam between the pages. Another had been dropped in the bath at some point. One has been chewed on by a baby. A particularly ancient one has started growing moss.
All unacceptable.
Today a man, whom I shall call Steve*, returned a book with owl droppings on it.
“Excuse me, sir, but you seem to have mistaken this book for some sort of nesting material.”
“Oh no, that’s just an accident. Belinda likes to perch on the bookshelf but that usually doesn’t happen.”
“Well, it’s happened this time. What do you have to say for yourself?”
“It’s no big deal. Just charm it off.”
“Couldn’t you have done that and spared me the pleasure?”
“Well, yeah, but I’ve just returned it, so.”
“Fine, I will not argue this point.”
He had indeed returned it, and since I take a dim view of patrons who return books in a damaged state, I slammed his head into the counter, whence a large gash appeared, and he slumped onto the floor, blood everywhere**.
Right. Who’s next?
*not his real name
**not actually what happened
Private
It’s been two weeks and I still can’t get it out of my head. That look. That look of love. It haunts me. Taunts me, like some kind of glorious mirage. It’s not real. It’s not real. It’s not real. Well, I know that, rationally. But then again, it is real, in some alternate universe perhaps, or even in this one, in some other time, some other place, with some other lucky witness. It’s not supposed to distort your base personality, after all.
It’s pathetic, really. I’m pathetic. Well, what can I do? I can’t help my feelings.
Wait a minute.
What a silly thing to state. Of course I can help my feelings. She will never think of me in that way and so I think it simpler if I reciprocated, so to speak.
Now where is my favourite cauldron.
Alex DerrickNice try, graffiti artist. I think it really would have done more damage to my reputation if I’d done something wholesome with Orpington. Picking flowers, say, or making a cake. Helping orphans. Something like that.
Warded to Portia Diggle
Hey baby. I was just wondering… have you tested to see if you’re pregnant?
Stephen CornfootWarded to Mandy Brocklehurst
What do you know about pie, specifically the making of?
Wayne HopkinsWarded to Wayne, Louisa, Ben
Kind of short notice, but would you all be free to come round for dinner Tuesday night? The boyfriend’s going out of town and I thought it’d be nice to have a little company. And to finally meet this girlfriend of Wayne’s I’ve heard so little about. (Don’t worry, dear, it’s not a reflection on you — the longer he keeps you from us, the more he probably likes you.)
So what do you say? 7 PM? And I wouldn’t say no to someone bringing dessert.
Gawain RobardsPrivate
I don’t know what was the greater indignity — having to witness Pippin attempt to lecture me on raising children or his sudden 180 and having to witness Pippin play the “I’m a Dad, too, I understand” shtick. Spare me. I am old enough to be your father. You have one child whom you don’t even see half the time. Wait until you get three and they’re old enough to do some real damage to each other.
And then after that Cecilia rounded on me. “What shall we do with Cary?” Do? Why must we do anything with him? He’s been legally an adult for the past two years. Just turn him loose. I’m sure if he gets into more trouble he can get himself out of it. Or, worst luck, I’ll simply go fetch him again. “But I don’t want you to go fetch him again. I swear to Merlin, I’ve lived through two wars, if I lose both my husband and a son because the former had to go rescue the latter from his own stupidity, I will- no. That’s it. That’d be the end of me.”
And then she said Cary’s cavalier attitude to death was my fault. My fault! And I suppose Idris’s callous dropping of Marigold is my fault, too? Taliesyn sneaking into the garden room to set up half a dozen cauldrons and hope we wouldn’t notice, and then saying it’s purely academic (an obvious lie)? My terrible genes, again? Hope not; I would have snuck about and lied with much more finesse.
Cecilia is irritated with all three of them and yet I am the one who ends up in the doghouse.
Frankly, Idris can dally with whomever he likes. Tali can concoct whatever he likes — yes, even given recent events — and Cary can go wrestle Yetis in the Himalayas if he fancies it. The boy needs to get out of the house before he goes nuts.
Probably wasn’t best practice to have said all that out loud, though.
Here’s some life advice.
Kids.
Don’t have ’em.
Warded to Astoria Greengrass
I’ve been told to tell you it’s best if you leave Cary alone. Wife’s orders.
Parvati PatilIn case it’s escaped anyone’s attention, the Alban Elfed Festival is in a week!
Personally, I’m looking forward to the pie-making contest. Unfortunately, Mrs Pugh’s crups are a bit under the weather, so she’s unable to be on the judging panel this year. I’m going to be stepping up to replace her and I can only hope I live up to her formidable tastebuds!
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Hannah AbbottThere is too little booze in my house and far too many unused hangover potions. I don’t care if it is a bloody Sunday, I’m going out.
Anyone in?
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Susan BonesFrom Monday my limited edition Autumn Body Butters are back on the shelves at Heaven Scent! I’ll only be making a limited number of these over the next couple of months, so when they’re gone, they’re gone. Get them while you can! Last year’s favourites are back, so if you’ve missed smelling like Pumpkin Pie or Toffee Apple, now’s your chance to stock up. I’m also introducing two new scents: Chocolate Pudding and Bonfire Night. The latter is loosely inspired by a recipe for a warming autumn punch that I found in my grandmother’s old recipe book, and it’s packed with spices. If the punch tastes anywhere near as good as the body butter smells, I might have to try making it at some point!
Warded to Hannah Abbott
The dress you lent me worked.
Well, that or the wine.
Hannah AbbottWho: Hannah Abbott, Michael Corner
Where: Club on Knockturn Alley
When: Evening
Hannah had had very specific plans for this evening. Goals, you might even say. The first being to get as drunk as humanly possible. The second, to dance and sweat and generally attempt to fucking enjoy herself. And the third, to find someone pointless and beautiful and bereft of meaning to go home with because she just couldn’t shake the memory of having sex with Humphrey and how much she had loved him.
Even if the feelings hadn’t been real, sex like that, feelings like that, marriage, they were meant to be sacred. They were for Justin and nobody else and she’d promised herself that long ago. And having broken that promise made her feel ill. Actually ill.
But now she was so tired of feeling sad and wretched and guilty. She just wanted to, to break something. She wanted to punish herself. But, more than that, she wanted to replace the memories of that fucking love potion induced madness with something empty.
WWN
Christian CavanaughPrivate
We have a TX date of October 26th. I look forward to sharing The Curl & the Flame with an audience finally. There’s just not the same immediacy as there is with the stage, but judging by the reactions from the fans of the books so far they won’t be backwards about coming forward with their opinions.
Apparently there’s also going to be a premiere. That, it is safe to say, will be a new experience.
Astoria GreengrassWho: Susan Bones, Astoria Greengrass, and Blodwen Cadwallader
Where: Heaven Scent
When: Morning
Astoria made a self-pitying whimpering noise as the lights went on in the shop. Unlike Hannah Abbott, she hadn’t had the foresight to stock up on hangover remedies, and now her head felt unpleasantly heavy and throbby and it was far too early in the morning to be up and dressed.
But she’d made it into the shop — only a few minutes shy of being exactly on time — and while she hadn’t made the time to do her hair, she had remembered to fill her flask. She took a discreet nip from it then shoved it deep in her pocket when she heard footsteps approaching. She hoped it wasn’t horrible Blodwen. She couldn’t stand the chubby Welsh girl even when she was in the best of moods.
Lavender BrownOH MY GOD, THE CURL & THE FLAME PREMIERE PARTY IS HAPPENING IN HELGA’S HILL??????
WE MIGHT GET TO MEET CHRISTIAN CAVANAUGH!!!!
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Tom PippinWarded to Romilda Vane
I’ve got good news for you.
Romilda VaneWarded to Sisters Vane
Guess who got a promotion.
Daily ProphetWizengamot announces that Singh’s arson trial will begin in November
AJ SinghWarded to Lavender Brown
Can I come see you at work tonight? Audrey’s I’m —
I don’t know if you’ve heard, but they’re saying Audrey’s trial won’t even begin until November.
Cary RobardsTo: Astoria Greengrass
From: Cary Robards
Astoria,
How’s life? Want to go out with me?
— Cary
Megan JonesWarded to H98
Audrey’s arson trial is coming up. I’m not really sure what to think.
Oh, and Miss Abbott, if anyone gives you shit about the wall graffiti, let me know. I learned a new hex from one of my authors that I’m just dying to test.
Portia DiggleHey, Abbott. How much do you get paid to write your advice column?
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Ernie MacmillanWarded to Hannah Abbott
Just between friends, are you writing an advice column and if so how does Orpington know?
Tamara CrumbWarded to Hit Wizards
I am writing to let you know that I found a man’s short covered in red paint between my house and the next. Well, actually my daughter did so there may be a few bairn fingerprints on it but the paint looks like the same colour that the graffiti has been in so I thought it might be a clue.
Should I bring it in to the Ministry or should I stay here and make sure no one else touches it until someone comes and collects it?
Heidi MacDonaldsOne week till my birthday!!!
Warded to Tamara, Romilda, Andrei & Isolde
I REALLY want a foam party but… it’s kind of a miracle I still have a job and I think I should be responsible. Or maybe I could have a foam party with no alcohol? But it would still be really slutty wouldn’t be as fun if we didn’t drink.
I don’t know. Help!
Susan BonesWho: Susan Bones
Where: Posted in the window of Heaven Scent and on the usual noticeboards around town
When: Daytime
VACANCY
PART-TIME SHOP ASSISTANT AT HEAVEN SCENT
15 hours per week
Pick up an application form at Heaven Scent, 3 Hufflepuff Way. For more information drop in for an informal chat about the position. Ask for Susan Bones.
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Emelda VaneHappy birthday to yet another amazing sister of mine! Love you, Lu.
P.S. I have made the most amazing cake.
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Terence HiggsWho’s looking forward to Alban Elfed? I’m going to drink my weight in cider. Even the threat of being graffitied upon won’t stop me.
PS: Being engaged is awesome. Try it sometime!
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Wayne HopkinsCrap. If I’ve put too much salt in my pie crust there’s nothing I can do but bin it and start over, right? I thought about trying Accio salt but it’s all blended in with the rest already and that would probably mess it all up anyway…
Why did I leave this until the last possible minute?
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Louisa MacnairWhy yes, my boyfriend is the best baker in Helga’s Hill! How astute of you to notice.
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Gawain RobardsWarded to Percy Weasley
Reluctant as I am to take advice from an unidentified person, curiosity has gotten the best of me. Someone thinks Orpington has dudded you out of some pay checks. I will only ask once, and please don’t lie as I find that irritating — did he?
Also — I have removed the offending graffiti but I don’t know who else may have seen it.
Katie BellI keep hoping I’m going to be mentioned in the graffiti, but so far no luck! A girl could get a complex. My life is plenty interesting! Want some inspiration, anonymous artist? How about
KATIE BELL DOESN’T SEPARATE HER WHITES FROM HER COLOUREDS WHEN SHE DOES LAUNDRY
No? Not scandalous enough? Okay then, try
KATIE BELL ONCE WENT SKINNY-DIPPING IN THE LAKE AT HOGWARTS
Or even
KATIE BELL’S TEAM IS GOING TO WIN CAPTURE THE FLAG
Oh yeah. You heard it here first.
Warded to Katie’s team
Let’s talk strategy. We need a game plan!
Tom PippinListen up!
Capture the Flag. Is. On.
It starts tomorrow. Katie Bell and I are organising and will be captaining the two teams. Pick your favourite now! Sign up, sign up, even being on Katie’s team is marginally better than the role of innocent bystander, though I don’t recommend it.
The losing team will be exiled. (This is false.)
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Sally-Anne PerksAll the pies at the festival this weekend looked so lovely! (Some of the cider was also very nice.) I’m sad that my pie didn’t win the competition, but I am so proud of Wayne for winning!!!
It’s so disappointing to keep hearing the rumour that Wayne only won because of all the upcoming Curl & Flame things in town. I heard at least two customers discussing it yesterday, though I don’t know why they would even suggest a thing like that.
Also: GO TEAM KATIE!!! We are going to capture that flag, and when we do, there will be cake for all!
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Dot SpinksIt’s three months until Christmas.
And before anyone starts complaining that it’s too early to mention the C-word, I’m only pointing it out so that no one has an excuse for coming in last minute and expecting to be able to post all their cards and presents and then getting pissy when I tell them it’s not possible. We only have a finite number of owls. Take my advice and get everything sent off before December.
According to my colleagues it gets really stressful and I don’t want If you won’t think of the post office workers, then think of the poor owls.
Barney DunstanOh well it is sad we did not win but we had lots of fun with the flag didn’t we and that is the important thing. Some people seemed surprised to see us playing together so I suppose I should let you all know that Stella and I are back together and that is all fine we have mostly been keeping quite quiet at home but the flag contest sounded like too much fun to miss so we went and played in that.
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George WeasleyDid anyone doubt I’d be on the winning side? Told you you were going down, Bell.
Warded to residents of Helga’s Hill, sans Verity Jenkins
It’s Verity’s birthday on the 27th. She and I are both pretty busy with wedding stuff, so I’m leaving it up to you lot to come up with a great birthday party for her, alright? Don’t let me down.
Also, someone’s got the bridal shower sorted, right? She needs one of those.
Warded to Marietta Edgecombe
Thanks for agreeing to be a bridesmaid, by the way. I’m sure you can’t be best pleased she’s marrying me just like I’m not fond of her still being friends with you but I appreciate you’re supporting her anyway.
Wayne HopkinsWarded to H98
I’m not going to be going to work for a while. So I’ve got some free time if anyone wants to hang out.
Warded to Louisa Macnair
Today was the worst.
I did something stupid and now I
What if we just packed our bags and went somewhere. I hear Germany’s really nice this time of year.
Romilda VaneMy writing desk was a mess when I woke up this morning. Ink blots everywhere. Really, really hope I didn’t drunk owl anyone.
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Parvati PatilWarded to George & Verity
There’s more graffiti up. This time on Quills N Things. It’s about Verity and her last name really being Carrow. Is that true?
I’ve informed the relevant people to get it removed, but I really thought you ought to know.
Heidi MacDonaldsProof that having a Hit Witch on your team means you’ll always win!!! We don’t just protect and serve, we also KICK ARSE!
Private
Why do I have a really bad feeling about the “special duty” I’m going to be assigned on Monday?? I guess anything’s better than all this paperwork and being stuck behind a desk all day, but I’m sure I’m still being punished. Ugh, whatever. I just need to be amazing at whatever it is and earn back their trust. I can be mature and responsible!
…My foam party was fucking amazing though. Surely I just have to find the right balance between work and fun?
Ben MacnairCan we all just agree to ignore the graffiti artist? He or she only wants attention.
Private
People I’m avoiding:
Tristan
Fliss
Tom Pippins
Gawain Robards
It feels like more. I suppose because avoiding Tristan means I end up avoiding Issy and Gwen as well. I just couldn’t take part in the flag thing. I couldn’t be on their team, and I couldn’t imagine being on the opposite team either. I don’t know that I’ve ever not taken part in a game before when there’s been an opportunity. I feel like someone’s bound to notice and ask me about it, and I don’t know what I’m going to say.
I should probably try and talk to Fliss. It’s just not practical to avoid my sister’s best friend.
Maybe I should just move back home. I doubt Louisa would be pleased with me if I did that, though. She’d have to move as well, at least into a place she could afford on her own even if she stayed in Helga’s Hill.
Warded to Felicity Eastchurch
Hey. We should probably talk or something.
Taliesyn RobardsToday one of the regulars congratulated me on my new baby, leading to several seconds of ‘WHAT BABY, HOW CAN I POSSIBLY HAVE A BABY WHEN I HAVEN’T EVEN’ and briefly entertaining the idea that I had taken a wrong turn that morning and entered into an alternate universe where I did, in fact, just welcome a child, when the misunderstanding became clear.
Yes, I am rather bleary-eyed and yawning a lot and drinking a million cups of tea, but there’s a much more plausible explanation for that — I have simply been brewing a potion that needs five minutes of stirring every hour or else it bubbles and overflows goo everywhere for the past four days and nights. Exhausting.
And now I’m insulted he thinks it’s likely that I would only apparate home for a few minutes every hour to see an actual baby.
On a completely unrelated bent I am pleased Audrey has been let out at last. Though the security escort is really still too much.
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Stephen CornfootWho: Stephen Cornfoot, Zacharias Smith
Where: Badger Den Road
When: Early morning
Stephen’s mother had berated him about some of his less than stellar eating habits after the break-in at his office earlier in the month. “Spend more time with Mandy,” his mother told him. “Such a lovely girl. She makes sure you eat right.” Of course, Stephen hadn’t taken that to heart. With little more than ice cream, a head of lettuce and a block of cheese in the flat, he needed breakfast before he started another long day at the office trying to work out the future of the company which included, of course, the Calliope Heights project.
He checked his pocket watch. Live to Tell the Kale’s breakfast smoothies were the stuff of legend and all that fruit would be at least two of his five a day. The café would open in five minutes. Perfect.
Portia DiggleWarded to Wayne Hopkins
Would you care to explain why I’ve spent the entire day being questioned by the Department of Mysteries and the DMLE?
Susan BonesWarded to H98 except Zach
I expect this will be all over town soon enough, but I thought we should be the first to know, even though we’ve had our differences and I know some of us still don’t
Sorry, I’m not making much sense. I’m tired.
It was Zach. Who was putting up the graffiti around town, I mean. I don’t know what to think. I just
Why? Why would he do something like that?
Wayne HopkinsWarded to Zacharias Smith
What’s wrong with you?
I could get sacked over this. You’ve fucked things up for a lot of people.
I always defended you.
