June 2001

Andrei Capper Andrei Capper
@andreicapper
1 June 2001

Owl Post

To: Barney Dunstan
From: Andrei Capper

Hey Barney,

I’ve found a new job, so I can’t sell fruits and vegetables for you any more. So I guess this is me handing in my notice. Apart from that one incident with Orpington I’m really proud of the last month or so and I think I’ve learnt a lot. Thanks for giving me the opportunity.

— Andrei

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Astoria Greengrass Astoria Greengrass
@headcase
1 June 2001

Private

Last year on my birthday we had such a big lovely party and announced the engagement and he gave me the ring and I drank so much champagne and let him kiss my neck and I was so, so so happy. I just want to be that happy again and I don’t know how.

I don’t know why I thought Idris Robards might owl me. He didn’t and now I hate him.

The only good thing about my birthday this year was seeing Bonko. And his chocolate cake. And Daphne helped me when I got sick and she still hasn’t asked me to leave so I suppose that’s good.

I’M SO BORED.

I’ve taken inspiration from Mr Radford and applied some charms to my journal to elevate the level of discourse. From now on, whenever Heidi MacDonald mentions her unmentionables, my journal will display “fluffy white kitten” instead.

Heidi, I’m relieved to know your fluffy white kitten has been returned to you. I’m sure it was rather frightened, being out there in the world, unwanted and uncared for.

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Sabina Capper Sabina Capper
@dontsassme
1 June 2001

Owl Post

To: Susan Bones, Andrei Capper, Sasha Capper & Mr Bole, Stella Chambers & Barney Dunstan, Portia & Penelope Diggle, Astoria Greengrass, Daphne Greengrass, Terence Higgs & Gwen Montgomery, Ernie Macmillan, Benjamin & Louisa Macnair, Henry Radford, Gawain & Tali Robards, Ophelia Selwyn, Zacharias Smith, Audie Zabini, Blaise Zabini, etc
From: Sabina Capper

Save the date

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Lavender Brown Lavender Brown
@solavish
1 June 2001

It’s my 21st!! Come to the Grotto tonight and celebrate with me unless you think I’m a murderous monst!!!

I’ll be the one dancing in the very short dress and very high heels, drinking fruity cocktails instead of mixing them.

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Sally-Anne Perks Sally-Anne Perks
@highergrounds
1 June 2001

It’s lovely and sunny today, so we’ve got our little chairs and tables outside the coffee shop so that customers can enjoy the weather and a nice treat. I recommend the milkshakes if you don’t fancy a coffee!

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Louisa Macnair Louisa Macnair
@hedidntdoit
1 June 2001

Warded to Felicity Eastchurch

I think I’ve just been asked on a date.

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Ernie Macmillan Ernie Macmillan
@topgeek
1 June 2001

RP: An opportunity

Who: Ernie Macmillan, Lavender Brown, Sasha Capper
Where: The Grotto
When: Evening

Ernie stirred his drink. He hadn’t exactly agreed and neither had Gawain Robards, but he felt confident enough that he’d have some employment if he did prod the other man a bit further. It wasn’t his first choice but it would keep him in Helga’s Hill. He didn’t want to leave.

He felt a little guilty about not telling Lavender any of this, but the problem was solved and it was her birthday. No need to talk about past worries.

He waved her over from the dance floor as one song ended. “Hey! Enjoying yourself?”

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AJ Singh AJ Singh
@aka_aj
1 June 2001

RP: Birthday party

Who: Andrew Singh, Lavender Brown
Where: The Grotto
When: Evening

By the time AJ arrived, having dutifully sat down with his Potions text for a while, the party was in full swing. But it was easy to spot Lavender on the crowded dance floor; she really hadn’t been kidding about that short skirt. His eyebrows went up, and then he wove his way through the crowd to surprise her with an arm slung around her shoulder, and a quick squeeze of a side-hug. “Hey, birthday girl. I made it. Can I get you another one of — whatever that is?” He grinned as he indicated her extremely colorful drink.

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Daily Prophet Daily Prophet
@dailyprophet
2 June 2001

Who could be Orpington’s secret child?

Read our predictions of the likely suspects!

Blaise Zabini
Tristan Montgomery
Humphrey Hayes
Moira Lynch Williams Moira Lynch Williams
@moira
2 June 2001

Owl Post

To: Veronica Smethley
From: Moira Lynch Williams

Dear Roni,

I’m completely crushed that I won’t be able to make it to your party tonight. I’d planned on it, but Arabella seems to have picked up a bit of a bug and Benjy has to be in Puddlemere for a late practice. (I’d ask my brother, but would you leave Aidan alone with a baby? The only other option is Hannah and I impose on her for babysitting far too much as it is.) Such is life with a wee one, I’m afraid. Can I make it up to you by taking you out for lunch when Bells is back in top form?

I hope you have a lovely evening and this gift makes up a bit for my absence!

xoxo
M.

[Enclosed is an assortment of brightly colored leotards and tights.]

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AJ Singh AJ Singh
@aka_aj
2 June 2001

Owl Post

To: Veronica Smethley
From: AJ Singh

Roni—

HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Sorry I couldn’t make it to the party today. Work work work as always. Hope you had a fantastic time and remember — you’re not old yet! I’ll let you know when you are, but I’m fairly certain it won’t be for years yet.

— AJ

[Enclosed is a small “frosted” dog biscuit for Mystee. At least, AJ hopes Roni realizes it’s for Mystee.]

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Gwen Montgomery Gwen Montgomery
@iamthelizzy
2 June 2001

My, what an assortment of love children Mr Orpington had.

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Astoria Greengrass Astoria Greengrass
@headcase
2 June 2001

Warded to Daphne Greengrass

In case I forget to tell you, we’re having tea with Taliesyn Robards. He’s weird and I didn’t want to go alone. I didn’t want him to think it was a date. But maybe you’ll like him?

Also in case I forget to tell you, you are the BEST SISTER EVER. ♥ ♥ ♥ I’m sorry I got sick on your bath mat.

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Ophelia Selwyn Ophelia Selwyn
@thefairophelia
2 June 2001

This is completely absurd.

Our engagement was broken for completely different reasons that are no one’s business but ours, and I would appreciate it if everyone would refrain from repeating such offensive nonsense.

Warded to Astoria Greengrass

I hadn’t told anyone but you, Sabina and my family. No one who would put it out like that.

It had to have been him. Him or someone he told it to.

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Humphrey Winfield-Hayes Humphrey Winfield-Hayes
@mugglebornslyth
3 June 2001

Well, I am quite obviously the son of Xavier Orpington. Look at my features. Look at my cheekbones. Look at my bearing. I am much too well-bred to be a genuine poor downtrodden orphaned Mudblood.

They may not have written those exact words but you know that’s the extent of their logic.

And I am too fucking well-bred. I should be the 9th Marquess of Bath, god fucking dammit. If I ever see Curtis again I am hexing him, I swear.

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Stella Chambers Stella Chambers
@quidditchstar
3 June 2001

I am an auntie!!!! Congratulations Cal and Elodie!! And more importantly…

WELCOME TO THE WORLD, AURELIE ESTELLE CHAMBERS!

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Taliesyn Robards Taliesyn Robards
@bookphile
3 June 2001

For anyone wanting to try the latest batch of my specialty teas, you are cordially invited to a tasting this Thursday afternoon at Tattered Pages. So, if you’ve been nicking my pot plants, uh, stop, you don’t need to! Come along and all is forgiven.

Warded to Wendy Wickersham

Have you heard of Astoria Greengrass? I think she would make a good addition to your crime-solving team of one.

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Terence Higgs Terence Higgs
@teehaitchhiggs
4 June 2001

All you saps may as well not enter because that Dance-A-Thon prize is mine. Ours.

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Parvati Patil Parvati Patil
@sovatish
4 June 2001

It’s so wonderful to see the posters for the Dance-A-Thon up around town. I wish I could drag Nitin into competing, but I’m really excited that I’m going to be a judge. Hopefully, it will be a really fun night and lots of people will be entering. We’ve got a couple of really great bands playing that you might have seen at the Badgere Festival, so I have high hopes that this will be an event people will be talking about for ages. In a good way, obviously.

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Portia Diggle Portia Diggle
@portraying
4 June 2001

My sister, Penelope Diggle, would like to extend her thanks to everyone who has expressed congratulations or well-wishes to her on the announcement of her pregnancy.

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Astoria Greengrass Astoria Greengrass
@headcase
5 June 2001

Warded to Zacharias Smith

Why are you selling your Quidditch things?

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Wayne Hopkins Wayne Hopkins
@awkwardsoup
5 June 2001

Warded to Louisa Macnair

I’m glad you

I hope you

I had a nice time last weekend and I hope you did too. So far as going out again, I was thinking there’s this new restaurant that opened in Diagon that maybe we could try? It’s Persian food, which I’ve never had before, so I don’t know if it’s any good or not, but the review in the Prophet was pretty positive. But if that doesn’t sound good to you we could also do something else. Maybe Friday night?

Also, maybe this is a weird question, but I was wondering if you’d told your brother I’m taking you out? Would he It doesn’t really matter either way but I’ve just been thinking, if I run into him on the stairs, whether I should be worried he might want to push me down them. Ha, ha…

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Blaise Zabini Blaise Zabini
@basial
5 June 2001

Once again, rumouring by the Prophet has made my week a little less pleasant. All this postulating about my parentage reminds me that numbers are far easier to deal with on a daily basis than people.

Besides, Orpington was a client of mine. Nothing more.

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Hannah Abbott Hannah Abbott
@toomanyshoes
5 June 2001

Private to Justin

Happy Birthday. I know it is stupid to write this because you can’t see it, but I need to get this out somewhere so just bear with me, J, okay? It’s been four years since the last birthday you had we spent together. We were so stupid then, do you remember? We made love shagged and talked about NEWTs and the future and then the Muggle-Born Registration Act came and you were just… gone. I don’t know how I would have made it through that year without hoping to see you again. But sometimes I wish I hadn’t hoped so hard because I think I might have used all of it up, waiting for you.

Every single day I expect to miss you a little bit less, but I don’t. I wake up and have to remember all over again that you’re gone and I can’t bring you back. I can’t fix this. It doesn’t hurt less. It hurts more. I love you.

Warded to H98 (Yes, Even Zacharias)

I’m going to be raising a glass tonight if any of you want to join me. Please. I don’t want to drink alone.

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Humphrey Winfield-Hayes Humphrey Winfield-Hayes
@mugglebornslyth
5 June 2001

Private

Fucking sick of wizardry. If you can’t conjure up a million galleons then what is it good for.

Plan to get to the top:

  1. Learn how to brew Polyjuice.
  2. Track down Curtis and kill him.
  3. Take his place to assume my rightful place as heir.
  4. Live happily ever after.

Problem is I don’t particularly want to be Curtis. Maybe an extra strong Confundus or Obliviate will work. Will still have to get rid of Curtis, though.

Can’t afford bicorn horn either. New plan:

  1. Win Dance-A-Thon.
  2. Use money to buy ingredients.
  3. Learn how to brew Polyjuice, etc.

Warded to Sylvie Fawcett

Did you see Higgs offering 1,000 galleons of his own money as a prize for the Dance-A-Thon? Care to help me relieve him of his cash?

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Zacharias Smith Zach Smith
@its_all_aboutme
6 June 2001

Private

I don’t want to be the kind of person who runs out on their friends. Though they all should have just come with me. Who wants to stay and be reminded of everybody who’s dead. And I still think DA is stupid.

Looking back, Australia wasn’t really a happy time in my life. I can’t say I’m much happier now but that’s for different reasons. I have my Dad, Sepphora, future nieces and nephews if Sepphora ever gets her man, cousins, friends who haven’t died. That’s really plenty.

Time to shed some baggage, then.

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Golden Apples Golden Apples Market
@goldenapples
6 June 2001

[Posted on the noticeboard at Golden Apples Market. A similar ad will appear in the Daily Prophet classifieds on Thursday.]

For Sale:

2 x Firebolt Falcon — manufactured 2000. All the features of the original Firebolt design adapted for the Antipodean market. Extra-resistant against harsh weather conditions. Fireproof. Repels insects and other small flying creatures. In good condition. 480 galleons o.n.o.

1 x Australian Quidditch League winner’s medal — 1999.

1 x Asian Championships winner’s medal — 1999.

Various other items of Australian Quidditch League paraphernalia, mostly Warriors and Thunderers. Match jerseys, training jerseys and other team gear, matchday programs, etc. Genuine articles for collectors and fans.

All inquiries to Z Smith
1 Loyalty Drive
Helga’s Hill
UK

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Daily Prophet Daily Prophet
@dailyprophet
7 June 2001

Where there’s no will, there’s no way

No will for Xavier Orpington!

Xavier Orpington
Tamara Crumb Tamara Crumb
@tamara_crumb
7 June 2001

Private

No will, hm? That’s the best news I’ve heard about this whole Orpington situation. It means that he didn’t leave our house to anyone, so unless he was selling it, we should only have to deal with the bank to get it back. Granted, if all his property is evidence in this stupid murder investigation, it means it will take a while before we can even work with that, but at least we won’t have to deal with anyone who bought or was left the house and will fight for it. Fortunately Gringotts will understand money.

I just want to go home. I hate it here. I mean, it is nice seeing friends I haven’t seen in years and I want to keep in touch once I move back in with Gideon but my parents are such arses. I don’t feel at home here like I did in our house. We were a family there and I was starting to feel like I belo

This is stupid.

So I decided to do a two hour lunch shift today and try Adelaide out at the nursery. She cried for the whole two hours she was there and has mostly been crying since I brought her home. I strongly suspect this is to spite me.

She’s going to have to get used to daycare. I just wish I knew what to do to make her stop crying.

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Andrei Capper Andrei Capper
@andreicapper
7 June 2001

It’s my birthday on Saturday and in lieu of presents you should all come down to Diagon to support the team. I couldn’t ask for a better birthday than smashing them 300-0. If we don’t, then I demand you all ply me with cake afterwards. Though, generally speaking, I feel very good about life indeed these days. Great girlfriend, fun job. Some of these nine-year-olds are scarily good and way better behaved than Terence.

So I hope you haven’t all been distracted from the Quidditch by the Dance-A-Thon. I haven’t read of anyone else signing up besides Terence and Gwen. If it goes on like this then it’ll be between them and Imogen and I. I like those chances!

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Henry Radford Henry Radford
@daisysdad
7 June 2001

Private

Godric’s balls, does everyone in this bloody town have a motive for killing the man? I’ve never had the good fortune to investigate the murder of a less pleasant individual.

Must remember to speak with that Fawcett girl. I don’t think she’s a killer, but if nothing else, she needs to learn that grandiose posturing does no one any good. Particularly not in the middle of a murder investigation.

I’m afraid I won’t be answering any questions about Mister Orpington’s will. It is my understanding that the DMLE will comment officially in the Evening Prophet.

I must, however, beg for a bit of assistance. It has come to my attention that my daughter is expecting The Event of the Season for her birthday next week and I’m afraid that planning parties for small girls is not, exactly, my personal forte. I’d appreciate any tips you might have. Cheers.

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AJ Singh AJ Singh
@aka_aj
8 June 2001

Victory!!!

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Andrei Capper Andrei Capper
@andreicapper
8 June 2001

RP: Joy, cake, woe

Who: Andrei Capper, Imogen Stretton
Where: Diagon Alley
When: Post-match

Not only had they emerged victorious, but it was a bloody great victory. Terence had caught the snitch and Helga’s chasers had outscored their Diagon counterparts, leaving no-one to claim the win was a fluke, that a freak gust of wind had blown the snitch into their seeker’s face. (That did happen once.) Freshly showered and changed, Andrei felt nothing could bring him down at this moment.

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Tattered Pages Tattered Pages
@tatteredpages
9 June 2001

[Posted in the window of Tattered Pages]

Book signing

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Wayne Hopkins Wayne Hopkins
@awkwardsoup
9 June 2001

Owl Post

To: Cynthia and Harold Hopkins
From: Wayne Hopkins

When were you planning on telling me you were coming to town? I had to find out from everybody talking about it, thanks for that.

— Wayne

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Alicia Spinnet Alicia Spinnet
@tornado_ali
9 June 2001

Next time we’ll skip the engorgement charm, Singh, and I’ll still beat you. Leveling the playing field indeed! Your fancy Healing books may be heavy, but don’t forget that I play Quidditch on the daily.

Not that I’m complaining, though. I did get a free drink out of it, after all.

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Daphne Greengrass Daphne Greengrass
@headtilt
9 June 2001

Zach!

Have you ever met Harold & Cynthia Hopkins?

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Sylvie Fawcett Sylvie Fawcett
@sylvie_fawcett
9 June 2001

OI! Hopkins! I’m just going to ask what everyone is thinking right now.

How did such an awesome steamy set of parents end up with a stick in the mud son like you?

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Witch Weekly Witch Weekly
@witchweekly
10 June 2001
Is Adelaide Crumb really Orpington's love child?
Tamara Crumb Tamara Crumb
@tamara_crumb
10 June 2001

Since the intelligence of Helga’s Hill Wizarding Britain is apparently less than I assumed, let me spell things out for you.

Do you think I am the first or even last person to have claimed to be pregnant with the child of a Weird Sister? Do you not think they have plans in place for that and they wouldn’t verify paternity before letting Gideon and I get married? Because then you give them too little credit.

Adelaide is the biological daughter of Gideon Crumb, and if the slander and libel about her parentage continues, I will seek damages.

Now stop being idiots and go about your normal lives.

PS: You can also stop sending me unsolicited marriage advice as well.

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Audrey Singh Audrey Singh
@esfp
10 June 2001

My dad just sent Elliot Wickersham’s order through the Floo to Henrietta Davies by mistake.

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Wayne Hopkins Wayne Hopkins
@awkwardsoup
10 June 2001

Warded to Eloise Midgen

Mum and Dad want to take me out to dinner after the signing and they said to invite you. Want to come? Glass Slipper, they’re buying. It’s the least they can do…

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Parvati Patil Parvati Patil
@sovatish
10 June 2001

My bag is packed and I’m already dreaming of the Egyptian sunshine. Only an hour until I leave; I’ll be back at the weekend. I think I’m going to leave my journal behind so that I don’t get distracted from the training or the free time that I have.

Fingers crossed I won’t come home to any more scandals in town!

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Wenceslas Wickersham Wicks Wickersham
@letitgrow
10 June 2001

Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me. Where did these ribbons even come from? And why now? Is this because of the Indian food mix up?

Because trust me, my parents do not need encouraging.

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Sylvie Fawcett Sylvie Fawcett
@sylvie_fawcett
11 June 2001

RP: Ribbons

Who: Sylvie Fawcett
Where: Helga’s Hill
When: Before the ribbons appear

Sylvie Fawcett had had a rough couple of days. Once Hopkins had got her thinking about her family, her mood had gone from the highest highs to crashing. She had never got on with her mère, really, but Sylvie’s dad had always been her rock, the more reasonable one. Until he’d been imprisoned in Azkaban for stealing magic leaving him more fragile and no longer himself. And that made her feel the disappointment she was to her family much more acutely and was why she tried to avoid them outside of holidays. And instead dealt with her feelings by drinking and shagging and being the most horrible and disappointing person she could be to them, even if they didn’t know it. Maybe subconsciously she was hoping to expose herself as their failure, but Sylvie never allowed herself to think that deeply about it.

At any rate, she’d gone out drinking, had thoroughly mediocre sex with some bloke whose name she couldn’t be arsed to remember and had way overslept Monday morning, leading her to be quite late to work and her pay being docked which had put her in an even worse mood. And what was the best thing to do when you were in a bad mood? Have fun at the expense of others, of course! And the mix up at the Jewel of India gave her an idea of easy pickings.

That was why she had used her charmwork to make up some really nice looking posters asking people to choose which side of the Wickersham/Davies divide they were on, complete with attached ribbons for the taking (to show support for a side). It would cause some drama and much needed distraction.

Pulling a blue ribbon off the poster which read “Men always do it better” to tie around her wrist, Sylvie grinned. This was bound to be fun, and just what she needed.

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Lavender Brown Lavender Brown
@solavish
11 June 2001

TEAM PINK!

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Tom Pippin Tom Pippin
@pippinspotions
11 June 2001

I’m in a real bind. I have a cauldron-load of parchment to mark after exams and I’m supposed to be on shift Saturday 29th. Trouble is, Alfie’s visiting that weekend and he has his heart set on seeing a movie about a green ogre and a talking donkey. Anyone free who would like to accompany him? Tickets on me, of course, and to sweeten the deal I’ll throw in popcorn and fizzy drinks.

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Susan Bones Susan Bones
@ambrosial
12 June 2001

Owl Post

To: Hannah Abbott
From: Susan Bones

HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Hope your day is as fabulous as you are. ♥

[Birthday card is attached to a gift basket containing wine, chocolate, and special one-off bath & body products made with Hannah’s favourite scents.]

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Sally-Anne Perks Sally-Anne Perks
@highergrounds
12 June 2001

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HANNAH!

Hope you have a lovely day, gorgeous! There’s a muffin with your name on it if you pop into the shop today!

Henrietta cuts my hair best, I think. She knows how to deal with my curls without making me look silly like a poodle or something.

I love my hair!

I really, really want to sign up for the Dance-A-Thon, but I don’t have a partner. Where’s a convenient man when I need one?

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Zacharias Smith Zach Smith
@its_all_aboutme
12 June 2001

I support both our resident hair dressers.

Now that I’ve got that out of the way, men do it better.

Henrietta thought this would make me look cute, despite the fact I never asked to look “cute” in any way.

Men with floppy hair can never be taken seriously.

Men with floppy hair can never be taken seriously.

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AJ Singh AJ Singh
@aka_aj
12 June 2001

Warded to Zacharias Smith

So you’re the one with the Firebolt Falcons, yeah? Anyone take those off your hands yet?

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Taliesyn Robards Taliesyn Robards
@bookphile
12 June 2001

I really, really try to support both hairdressers and I’ve had good cuts from both but I feel Mr Wickersham edges it, for me. Personally. Just my opinion! No offence meant for Sampson & Delilah patrons! This is what happened to me there once:

Tali's bad hair

I mean, yeah. It’s so messy. I really don’t think floppy hair is the way to go for me. Why does it have to stick out so much? And it’s really dark. Doesn’t suit me at all.

In other news, there are already copies of Last Gasp sitting in the stockroom but we’re not allowed to open them and it’s killing me.

Private

I had a really good time with the two tea tastings, both with the general public and mademoiselles Daphne and Astoria. Maybe I should get out more. I mean, I’m not going to start crashing parties — I shudder to think what goes in any party Sylvie Fawcett considers a great time — but I could, I suppose, leave the comfortable confines of Tattered Pages and my cottage. This may be a great chance to get one-up on Idris while he’s still in the doldrums. The Dance-A-Thon looks… terrifying OK.

Warded to Felicity Eastchurch

Hey, Fliss. Are you interested in the Dance-A-Thon at all? Do you have a partner? If not, would you like to enter with me? I know I’m not one for dancing but you have to give new things a go sometime, and there’s no time like the present. But if you want someone with a better chance of winning I’ll understand.

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Daisy Radford Daisy Radford
@daisysdad
14 June 2001

RP: Birthday

Who: Susan Bones, Daisy Radford, and Henry Radford
Where: A meadow on the outskirts of town
When: Afternoon

Daisy was about as happy as any six year old birthday girl could be. Her party was the best party ever! And her castle and unicorn cake was the best cake! She was certain because all of the other little girls from Miss Sepphora’s said that they wished it was their cake. But it wasn’t, it was Daisy’s. If she’d been a less kind little girl, she might have felt a bit smug about this but, as it was, she was just looking forward to sharing.

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Stephen Cornfoot Stephen Cornfoot
@beforeitwascool
14 June 2001

If I order from the Jewel, how likely am I to receive the right food?

Pizza also appeals, but then the question becomes Angelo’s or Wyn’s?

And all the while I get hungrier.

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Susan Bones Susan Bones
@ambrosial
14 June 2001

MIDSUMMER SALE!

It’s 3-for-2 on everything at Heaven Scent until Midsummer’s Day! (That’s next Friday, for those of you who don’t know.) We’ve got lots of new things in, so come and have a look. I particularly like the orange star-shaped soap — with flecks of orange peel in it, it reminds me of marmalade and certainly smells good enough to eat!

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Veronica Smethley Roni Smethley
@roni_smethley
15 June 2001

How come the DMLE wants me to come in and see them? Did I do something wrong???

I don’t remember doing anything wrong.

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Astoria Greengrass Astoria Greengrass
@headcase
16 June 2001

Well! Another Sunday and still no correction in the Sunday Prophet. They have yet to run a retraction of the hideous lies they printed about my dear friend Ophelia Selwyn, despite the fact that I have written to them not once but twice to set the record straight (just in case the first owl got lost.) Clearly they would rather spread vicious rumours than actually inform the public, so I’m taking it upon myself to make sure everyone knows the real story — and Gavin MacDougal’s true character.

Let it be known that Gavin MacDougal — nephew of Xavier Orpington and former fiancé of Ophelia Selwyn — broke off their engagement for no reason besides the fact that he was trying to butter up his horrible rat-faced uncle so he could get his hands on his money. Apparently Mr Orpington didn’t approve of the match — despite the fact that Ophelia is lovely and entirely worthy of approval — and Gavin Mr MacDougal would rather line his pockets than honour his commitment to his future wife.

Now that there is apparently no will, I hope that somehow means that Mr Orpington’s galleons slip right through his fingers and he ends his days penniless and alone, because it would serve him right.

There you have it. Just the facts — you’ll notice I have refrained from editorialising or speculating. If I had a subscription to the Prophet, I would cancel it. If that’s what passes for journalism these days, we’re in a sorry state indeed.

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Heidi MacDonald Heidi MacDonalds
@bravehearted
16 June 2001

I can’t help wondering how many people will pull a sickie tomorrow!

Private

I can’t believe I came so close to getting chucked off the Hit Witch programme. It’s one thing to get a disciplinary for “over-enthusiasm” but it’s another thing ENTIRELY to get one for tampering with evidence. What the FUCK was I THINKING? The knickers didn’t even MATTER, I just wanted to prove a point.

Grow up, Heidi.

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Cary Robards Cary Robards
@bookphile
17 June 2001

Daisy — congratulations on turning six! Your party was excellent; one of the best I’ve been to this year. Well worth returning to the UK. You made Aunt Cecilia sigh a lot and wish we were all young ladies instead of men. Idris and Tali, I’d be watching your drinks more carefully if I were you.

I hope you enjoy your sled, even though the weather has been terribly warm, and Tali misspoke when he told me his dog was a little husky. I’m sure Uncle Gawain or your Dad can charm it pink, if you really want. But I think blue is also a nice colour.

I hope you like your troll as well. He’s one of the good ones. But he does move about at night. (Only kidding!) Don’t hex me, cousin Henry.

I’m afraid I must leave your pleasant town, but if you want to keep in touch, you can find me at TerrorTours at Diagon Alley. I’m one of their newest guides. 20% off last minute deals for the Zombie Trail tour leaving next Tuesday.

Astoria — nice seeing you again after all this time. But I have to say while I’m flattered I really couldn’t oblige… and it would be wrong because it seemed like you have some prior agreement with one of my brothers. Possibly both if you were really clever. I shall not intrude. They are both excellent men and I wish you the best.

Edit: Astoria wishes me to inform you that she has no agreement with Idris nor Tali, so snap them up! Excellent men, etc.

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Gawain Robards Gawain Robards
@gawainrobards
18 June 2001

Is only buying one copy of a book two people want to read as soon as possible grounds for divorce?

Is insisting “we’ll just read it together” grounds for divorce?

On a more black and white note, any entrant found animating their tired partner’s limbs with dark magic at the dance competition will be swiftly dealt with.

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Sally-Anne Perks Sally-Anne Perks
@highergrounds
18 June 2001

Are the Curl and Flame books good? I’ve never read any of them, but lots of people seem to be reading them and someone even spilled coffee on their lap today because they were so engrossed in their book.

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Daily Prophet Daily Prophet
@dailyprophet
19 June 2001

Wenceslas Wickersham: Orpington’s secret child

Examine our conclusive evidence!

Wenceslas Wickersham
Wenceslas Wickersham Wicks Wickersham
@letitgrow
19 June 2001

Private

It kind of makes sense, though. I’m not like the rest of my family. Wen wouldn’t like to hear me say that she’s like Mum and Dad, but it’s true. She is. And I’m not. I’m not as passionate as they are. They’re all yelling and shouting, and I’m just whispering. Or maybe not whispering, but talking at a normal volume.

So I suppose it would explain a lot. About me, and about why my parents… about everything.

But Mum wouldn’t do that. Would she? She wouldn’t.

Warded to Wendy Wickersham

You don’t think it’s true, do you?

I thought things were done being a soap opera.

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AJ Singh AJ Singh
@aka_aj
19 June 2001

At the rate the Prophet’s going, I’m half-expecting I’m going to open it tomorrow morning and find out I’m Orpington’s latest love child. They’re really on a roll, a little ethnic discrepancy won’t stop them now!

Do you reckon maybe the staff there have got a dartboard with all our faces on it, and just see who they can hit? Because I’m starting to think there’s more of us who are related to Orpington than not, according to their sources.

Should we start taking bets who’s next? I’m thinking… Terence. They could have some fun pointing out similarities there.

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Parvati Patil Parvati Patil
@sovatish
19 June 2001

Don’t forget — the deadline for signing up for the Dance-A-Thon is Friday 28th June!

So if you haven’t signed up already, that gives you just over a week. Or if you don’t feel like putting your dancing shoes on, it should be great fun watching (and cheering on your faves!).

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Wenceslas Wickersham Wicks Wickersham
@letitgrow
21 June 2001

It’s not true, and I’ve got a paternity test to prove it.

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Andrei Capper Andrei Capper
@andreicapper
22 June 2001

I hope nobody is going to take next Saturday off from supporting the mighty Heroes in order to practice dancing instead.

Private

I haven’t got a partner. Well, it was going to be Imogen, but that worked out brilliantly. I still have to see her at work. She ignores me. Fine by me. Still partnerless.

Of course, this doesn’t have to be a problem. I could just not enter the dance-a-thon. But I already put my name down. And those thousand galleons do sound great. And for better odds I could always hobble Terence’s knees after the match. (Depending on him if he catches the Snitch or not, of course.)

Warded to Felicity Eastchurch

Hey Fliss, bit of a late notice, but you like dancing, right? Want to enter the Dance-A-Thon as a couple team?

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Heidi MacDonald Heidi MacDonalds
@bravehearted
22 June 2001

What an afternoon! I don’t know what was better — getting my copy of Last Gasp signed by the (very talented!) authors, or the reading that Mrs Hopkins did. It got a bit steamy in the shop and I don’t think it was because of the crowds. (Although I did wonder how many people were there by accident. There were more than a few shocked faces!)

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Ophelia Selwyn Ophelia Selwyn
@thefairophelia
23 June 2001

Warded to women

In my free time I’ve been debating what exactly to do about a certain situation, and have finally come to a conclusion.

For all his faults, my ex-fiance never quite demanded for his ring back. I have no interest in keeping the thing, but I also don’t think he really deserves to have it returned.

Gavin is a troll, but he did have good taste in jewelry. And I am perfectly willing to part with it at a reasonable discount, depending on your situation.

Do keep it in mind if you find yourself in need, whether you get engaged yourself or just need a ring to convince men to leave you alone. I’m not desperate, and it’s hardly about the money. I just think someone else may as well get a pretty thing since I’m not going to use it.

Engagement ring

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Portia Diggle Portia Diggle
@portraying
23 June 2001

Private

As sick as I am of hearing about Orpington’s never-ending line of love children, I want to point out that since there was no will, any child of his would be set to inherit all his assets. You’d think that at least one person would try to take advantage of that. I don’t know if Penny would

It’s weird now she’s got a noticeable bump. It’s small, but there. Even though the b it’s only the size of an avocado. (What is with the constant fruit comparisons?) Penny also informs me it can hear now. I draw the line at talking to it.

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Stephen Cornfoot Stephen Cornfoot
@beforeitwascool
23 June 2001

To buy:

Private

The elephant in the room has been slowly but surely wrapping its trunk around my neck and squeezing. Barely a week goes by without another half dozen souls being claimed as one of Orpington’s. As much as I have resisted, I need it confirmed once and for all. It might even clear up this messy business with the will.

Yet I don’t know what will happen if the results are negative. It’s always been such a certainty to all of us and she’s never mentioned anyone else. I know the pressures of war can lead to rash decisions, but I don’t think there was another man.

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Sylvie Fawcett Sylvie Fawcett
@sylvie_fawcett
23 June 2001

Well that was certainly a spicy reading yesterday. I haven’t seen as many sparks in this town since… well last week with the ribbon fight. Never a dull moment in Helga’s Hill, mm?

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Zacharias Smith Zach Smith
@its_all_aboutme
24 June 2001

Sepphora is trying to steal my birthright and so I am not speaking to her.

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Astoria Greengrass Astoria Greengrass
@headcase
24 June 2001

In case any of you were thinking of inviting me to partner with you for the dance-off, you needn’t bother, because I don’t enjoy physical exertion, even for a good cause. I’m not opposed to all forms of dancing of course, but the idea of doing it for hours and hours without rest is entirely unappealing.

I do however plan to attend and watch, assuming it doesn’t start smelling overwhelmingly like an athletic event. So who should I be cheering for?

Warded to Ophelia Selwyn

So… have you read these books everyone keeps talking about?

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Daphne Greengrass Daphne Greengrass
@headtilt
24 June 2001

We can talk about Last Gasp spoilers now, right? It’s been a week, so I think anybody who really cares has read it by now! And I need to say —

Well, I’ll put it under a charm just in case. Wave your wand to read it, and don’t say I didn’t warn you!

I just need to say, I really loved that bit where Harriet was ready to sacrifice herself. I really thought she was going to die! And I thought, I thought that they just couldn’t kill off one of the main characters, but still I was worried! Because she said to Raul and Harmony — hold on, I’m going to look up the quote

wait WAIT where is my copy of Last Gasp? Why isn’t it on my bookshelf?

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Megan Jones Megan Jones
@schmones
24 June 2001

The dance off thing sounds fun. I hope everyone has fun. And does well. I can’t remember when it is but you should all come by the Badger after and tell me how it went. Unless you’re really tired and just want to go home and sleep because that makes sense after being on your feet so much and doing so much or even being with so many people so much, it’s tired sometimes I guess. So you can come by later and tell me when you have the time and the energy, if you feel like it. Everyone’s got lots to do after all and lots of things are tired.

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Percy Weasley Percy Weasley
@istj
24 June 2001

It’s official: I am once more a Ministry man! Today was my first day as the Assistant Head of the Auror Office. I confess I am quite excited about the opportunities this position will present.

Private

Of course, the question remains – should I stay in Helga’s Hill, or return to London full time? I must admit that I have become rather fond of this town and its quirks. And I believe it is good for me to be around friends my own age rather than mainly older colleagues as I am in London.

I have mere days to decide whether I’d like to renew my lease. I cannot remember the last time I continued my vacillating down to the wire.

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Daisy Radford Daisy Radford
@daisysdad
25 June 2001

Susan, why is everyone dancing and talking about dancing so much?

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Tom Pippin Tom Pippin
@pippinspotions
25 June 2001

Roni has forsaken me to judge the Dance-A-Thon instead, so I won’t be participating. However, if the music list has not yet been set, I offer the services of Major Tom and the Space Oddities. We’ve been brushing up on ’70s dance tunes this fortnight. Finally got Ziggy to try ABBA after I convinced him the songs weren’t actually in Swedish.

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Ernie Macmillan Ernie Macmillan
@topgeek
27 June 2001

Private

I just received a letter that was not intended for me and now I’m sticking on an explosive piece of information and I can’t tell anybody. Thank Merlin I’m no longer a reporter or else I’m have serious qualms about divulging such personal information, and yet it’s the truth, which the Prophet has been seriously lacking of late. This could put the murder investigation in a whole new direction.

Oh, right, murder.

Well, I’ve got to tell at least other person or I am seriously going to explode. Lavender is already giving me funny looks. So I’ve got to get out of the house too.

Warded to H98

I’ve got some big, big, big, big news about Orpington, and potentially, his murder. But I don’t want it to go everywhere just yet so I’m only going to tell the first person who can meet me at the Fat Fryer for lunch.

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Ernie Macmillan Ernie Macmillan
@topgeek
27 June 2001

RP: Evidence

Who: Ernie Macmillan, Wayne Hopkins
Where: The Fat Fryer
When: Lunchtime

Ernie was ignoring his rising guilt about not directly posting Stephen’s results to Stephen by piling on different guilt with a large bowlful of chips instead.

He sat opposite Wayne and took out the document, placing it on the table and pushing it over. “I think I’ll just let this speak for itself.”

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Parvati Patil Parvati Patil
@sovatish
27 June 2001

The HHRA Dance-A-Thon sign-up and registration fee deadline is TOMORROW!

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Blaise Zabini Blaise Zabini
@basial
28 June 2001

It seems that I will be taking part in the Dance-A-Thon this weekend. Hannah’s doing, of course. I suspect she’s using this as an opportunity to buy new shoes.

So, who is my our competition?

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Tamara Crumb Tamara Crumb
@tamara_crumb
28 June 2001

Warded to Heidi

Godric Heidi! You need to see what I picked up at the Fat Fryer yesterday! Like now! Please tell me you aren’t busy.

Adelaide’s new thing is throwing food from her high chair onto the floor. And crawling like mad. And using furniture to help her try to walk a bit.

It’s unbelievable when I think that she’ll be 1 in less than 2 months. I’m going to have to start thinking of what to do to celebrate.

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Tamara Crumb Tamara Crumb
@tamara_crumb
28 June 2001

RP: A juicy bit of gossip

Who: Tamara Crumb, Heidi MacDonald
Where: Nazaryan family cottage
When: Afternoon

Tamara had the house mostly to herself at the moment (aside from the ever-present Adelaide who was curiously fascinated with her stuffed unicorn and thus happy for now) — her dad and living at home siblings were at work and her mam had gone grocery shopping. It was a relief to have them out of the way. Things were always tense with her family around and the sooner Tam could move back to Aberdeen the happier she would be. She was pretty well through with being upset at Gideon, but he was crashing with Herman and Heath and as much as she hated it here, it was a better place for a baby while they worked on getting their house back.

She was glad for the privacy because she was bursting with the news. Who knew that when she looked through the stuff she’d cleared off the table Thursday lunch she would find Stephen Cornfoot’s paternity test? She should probably feel bad for not bringing it to the DMLE right away, but the blokes that had left it grease stained — well, they weren’t Cornfoot, either, she was pretty sure. And Heidi had to know this juicy bit of gossip.

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Wayne Hopkins Wayne Hopkins
@awkwardsoup
30 June 2001

Warded to Eloise Midgen

You know how I told you I was kind of going out with Louisa but didn’t know if it was going anywhere? Well it is, I guess, because we’re going to the dance thing together today. Not to dance, just to watch. Are you going? See you there?

Oh and maybe don’t mention to her how you came out to dinner with me and my parents… I think she’d understand, just I don’t really want to get into it. So far as she’s concerned I haven’t got any parents.

So Ernie’s— no hang on, I’ll ward in Megan too.

Warded to Eloise & Megan

So Ernie’s big news the other day, that he didn’t want to tell everyone? I hope it’s OK if I tell people now… He had proof that Stephen Cornfoot is Orpington’s son. Isn’t that crazy? I keep wondering if Stephen ever knew when he was alive. I feel like it must be pretty shitty to only know who your Dad is after he’s dead. Especially if you knew him, you just didn’t know he’s your Dad.

But then, Orpington probably would’ve been a shitty dad, anyway.

Anyway, so that will probably be all over the papers soon…

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Parvati Patil Parvati Patil
@sovatish
30 June 2001

RP: Dance-A-Thon

Who: Everyone’s invited
Where: Village hall
When: Evening

Parvati had been looking forward to this all month and now it was finally here! And only one member of the HHRA had been reduced to tears while setting up for the event, which already meant it was the least dramatic occasion that they had hosted since she had moved to Helga’s Hill.

A sea of dancers seemed to be watching her and Roni expectantly as Parvati peered at them from the stage that had been specially erected for the band.

“Sonorus,” she murmured, the tip of her wand pressed to her throat. “Everyone, I hope you’re ready for this! Hopefully there won’t be any cheaters, but we’ll be watching you carefully just in case. If one of us taps you one the shoulder, I’m afraid that means you’ve been eliminated, so please leave the floor as quickly as you can and try not to disturb other dancers.” Parvati grinned at Roni, trying not to bounce. “Good luck. And… let the first ever Helga’s Hill Dance-A-Thon begin!”

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AJ Singh AJ Singh
@aka_aj
30 June 2001

RP: In which a plot is hatched

Who: AJ Singh, Alicia Spinnet
Where: Falafelly Good
When: After the Dance-A-Thon has begun

“If a patient presents with skin of a mottled green and blue, particularly in the lower extremities, and sneezes in the sunlight…” AJ had reached the point now where he could close the book and rattle off entire paragraphs from memory. That seemed like unmistakable progress. So when his stomach rumbled, he decided he deserved a proper dinner break, instead of mindlessly stuffing his face while holding his textbook in the other hand — as had become his habit.

He rummaged through the kitchen but apparently over the past few days he’d managed to devour every snack in the house.

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Continue to July 2001