Owl Post

Dear Tom,

Happy birthday, dear brother. Gifts are in the post. I had Mum and Dad and Julian send theirs over to me so I could bulk send and get a discount. How does it feel to be 28?

—Johanna

Johanna,

I will tell you how it feels once I see the quality of the gifts. Did you get me a tie and cuff-links again? If you have, I’d say 28 is overrated, and I could sure postpone it for a few days while you rethink your gifting ideas.

I hope they all come in a giant box, big enough to sit in.

—Tom

Tom,

Clearly ticking over one year hasn’t made you any more mature.

Speaking of maturity, you’ve hired a 19-year-old as store manager. Really. A 19-year-old who was arrested for poisoning your town with Amortentia. Really. Can you possibly explain yourself?

—Johanna

Johanna,

I didn’t “hire”, I promoted from within. Isn’t that what you’re always harping on about? Promoting talent from within so we don’t lose our best? Anyway, Romilda will be 20 soon-ish, the whole Amortentia thing was a misunderstanding, and she did commendably in those assessments, especially the creative one. As I recall, even you could only make soup.

—Tom

Tom,

Yes, I did make a soup, but it was a delicious soup. We could have started a new line of J Pippin’s Soups and Sauces but Dad did not care for expansion in those days.

Anyway, I digress. Those assessments are for apprentices only. They demonstrate nothing about how capable one is at running a store. Honestly, I think you were simply too lazy to go through proper HR channels and the fact your branch functions at all is only testament to your luck.

You should enjoy it while it lasts. You could be shut in the new year.

—Johanna

Johanna,

What? Shut? And you had to tell me this ON MY BIRTHDAY? How could you?

—Tom

Tom,

Don’t take it out on me. This is just business. Your store is simply not very profitable and we could do with more resources allocated to the French expansion. Dad may have kept it open out of principle but Brandon Higgs is in charge now ever since you spent all our money on a custody battle you were always going to lose and profit must be made.

Which reminds me — no more chocolate biscuits in the break room, OK? And if you have any other cost-cutting ideas I’d be happy to hear them.

—Johanna

Johanna,

Oh, when will the misery end? Next you’ll be telling me we’re not going to Germany this year.

—Tom

Tom,

Well, you’re not. Cost-cutting remember? But some of us still are. Frankly it was one event I felt we could cut since every year we gain nothing yet lose one of our brightest to Bayer Tränke but Brandon felt we needed the presence.

Don’t worry, we haven’t left you out entirely. Still got a spot for one of yours. Pick your favourite.

—Johanna